Personality

Lena Bean

Lena has been a big sucky momma's girl this past week. Luckily, Carmy's neediness of three weeks ago has phased out because otherwise babies would be trampling all over me all day, demanding to be picked up and snuggled (not the worst thing in the world, it's just quite awkward trying to satisfy two babies in need of mamma at once).

Observing the babies go through these phases really makes me wonder about the stability of personality and behavior. I know lots of moms with grown children who say "she was like this since she was born", and there is a certain comfort to know that when you were born you were just like you are now, you have a personality you were born with. But my kids really make me wonder if this is the case.

With two babies at once, people like to compare them (it's pretty hard not to, although I try to do it consciously) and say "this one is this way, that one is that way", but just when I think I know who's who, they completely switch personalities. For the first six months, Carmy was the serious older sister. She was momma's girl, quiet, observant, calm and played easily by herself. Lena was needy, had a lot of physical issues (gas etc.) that made her cry more often. She needed more attention even when she was playing. Then Carmy became the outgoing one, always trying to make Lena laugh, she started becoming quite the little ham. Lena became more serious and quiet, and a real momma's girl. Watching them change and develop in ways that constantly surprise me makes me realize how complex personalities are. I can no longer say "she's the __ one" because I know that it's probably just a phase, and that all of us hold the potential to be all of these things, shy, quiet, outgoing, playful, needy, sensitive and independent. 

I'm wondering if they will express certain traits more often as they grow or if they will continue to surprise me. All I know is, it's absolutely stunning to know these little people so intimately from birth, to find out who they are every day, and how satisfying it is to support them, encourage them and love them no matter what.

Mother's Day

On top of the big grassy hill on Granville Island

My first Mother's Day was perfect.

After strawberries and waffles at my brother's house (with my sister-in-law, nephew and my parents), Orlando and I drove around the city. The babies were so peaceful and fell asleep as we drove through downtown, Kits and then out to UBC. They napped in the car as Orlando and I drove, holding hands and whispering.

We drove into Granville Island and the babies woke up, so we parked and walked around. I found a necklace and earings set, circular crystals that shine all colours in the sunlight. I bought them for myself so I could always be reminded of my first Mother's Day. To me, the circles symbolize endless love and motherhood. My mother is a grandmother, I am now a mother of two daughters and they themselves may someday become mothers. The girls love the shiny necklace. When I'm laying or sitting near them, they crawl over to me, pull themselves right up and want to look closely at it. With their little faces so still and near to mine, I get a opportunity to snuggle and admire them up close.

I haven't felt so present in a long time. I remember during pregnancy, really marinating in the calm before the storm. Everything was bright, vivid, clear. Since having the babies every day is a tired, foggy haze. On Mother's Day, I absorbed every moment, locking it up in my mind so I'll never forget how things are right now. Trees and flowers in bloom, blues skies, the vision of my sweet girls sleeping in the back seats, daddy making the girls giggle like crazy by running with the stroller, twirling around with Lena amid the cherry blossoms, watching Carmy pull out little tiny fistfuls of grass and trying to eat clovers.  My babies are 9 months old next week - how did this happen? Time is flying by and they are learning and growing so quickly. Things will never again be as they are now.

Getting Dirty

Now that spring has sprung and the weather is warming up, we've been playing with the girls in the backyard (yes! we have a backyard!). Carmy & Lena are so curious about the grass, dirt and plants; they just want to get their hands into everything. It usually happens like this: Orlando and I set out a blanket on the grass, bring out some toys and sit down with the girls to play. The babies start by looking around, playing with their toys a bit, and then they venture towards the edges of the blanket and start pulling up grass. We spend a while intervening as the girls pull the grass out of the ground with their little fists and bring it towards their open mouths. Then, we spend about five minutes pulling them back onto the blanket as they repeatedly try crawling off of it. Finally, we give in and let them crawl around. Soon, they've got their sweaters, shoes and pants dirty by virtue of crawling and their hands and under their fingernails are dirty due to their grass-pulling and dirt grabbing.

Now there is a fork that every parent comes to in which they have to make a decision. Are they going to try (most likely in vain) to keep their children clean, or are they going to let them make a big mess? I find myself at this crossroad whenever we go outside, as well as at every single mealtime (three times a day). I can try to clean up messes as they happen, wipe faces and hands constantly, or I can just accept that the girls are going to make a big mess and just clean them and the mess all up later.

My dad always said (and still does) that "A little dirt won't hurt", and this phrase always runs through my mind in these moments. I choose to suppress my desire to try to keep everything clean and just let go. My brother told me about a study that suggests that little girls are kept to a higher standard of cleanliness than little boys and that this means they are more likely to develop asthma and allergies (it's part of a larger theory you have probably heard called the Hygiene Hypothesis). Popular culture is obsessed with cleanliness and sometimes it can be difficult to let that go. But the Hygiene Hypothesis suggests that it's better for our health to get dirty once in a while - besides, where's the fun in keeping clean all the time?

Easier, More Enjoyable, Happier

I haven't cried in two months. Ok, I teared up once or twice but it was actually because I was joyous, not sad. This coincides with my girls passing the six month mark, as well as us moving into our new home (and our own rooms). Thinking back to the first six months makes my stomach tighten up into knots... having two infants was hardly my idea of a good time.

Friends with babies ask me how I did it with two infants. This question always leaves me speechless, it cuts to my core and brings tears to my eyes. I didn't have a choice. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm so grateful that the intensity of the first six months has subsided and things are calming down. I honestly don't know how I would have done it without my husband, and the support of our family and friends. I'm grateful every day for the wonderful people that helped me during that time. I'm happy to say that the babies are sleeping for longer stretches at night, are becoming more independent, crawling around and entertaining themselves more, and are becoming more delightful as their personalities emerge and they interact with us and each other. My anxiety level has declined, I'm becoming more relaxed, getting more sleep and actually getting some semblance of a life back. Orlando and I have had friends over, I've been going to yoga again, staying up a bit later which gives me some "me time" (goodbye 7pm bedtime) and overall, I'm starting to feel more human again.

When the girls and I are snuggled up on the sofa watching Dora and eating crackers, I get visions of the future. A future where the three of us (and when daddy's home, the four of us) actually hang out, make forts, read books on rainy days, cuddle up to watch movies, make cookies, play in the yard and go for adventures. This future excites and delights me. All those other parents were right, it does get better, easier and more enjoyable! Until they become teenagers I guess...

Hosting a dinner for my family at our new home (alright, my mom did the cooking - thanks mom!)