Today, I'm Enough.

My life is my children. I mean, quite literally, that my life revolves around my children. Because I'm their mother and full-time caregiver. Wake up to them, care for them all day and see them to bed. It's a seven day a week routine. And sometimes, lots of times, I feel like I'm not doing enough for myself. That I'm not going out with friends enough, writing enough, creating enough, doing enough outside the kids.

I've been feeling low, like... where did all my friends go? Didn't I have a lot of friends, and do a lot of things before the girls were born? What did I do? My friends are still there, I just don't have a lot of time for them. My daily routine is impenetrable. In my free time, I crash. And last night, I realized something. This longing, yearning, desire for more - what's the point?

My life right now is full. My children are my life and that is how it is. It won't be this way forever. One day I'll be back at work focusing on my career. One day I'll have time to go out with friends, to create, to write, to plan, to do for myself. Today, I am a full-time, around-the-clock mom. And that's okay. Today that's enough. It's more than enough.

For Twin Moms

After writing last week's blog posting "Advice to My Former Self", I thought a lot about how really, this "advice" wouldn't be useful before I had my girls. But it is useful after you have twins, and not in a "getting advice" type of way, but because when you hear other twin moms stories, you realize you are not alone. To know that it's hard, and others have done it, and others have felt desperate, defeated and absolutely exhausted to their core, knowing that taking a break or giving up is not an option. And for that reason, to provide solace in the depth of twinfant madness, hopefully for some twin mom out there reading this, and also to myself even though that time has passed, I asked my twin-mom friends if they could go back in time and give their pregnant self advice, what they would say.  Jennifer's words were so beautiful, I asked her if I could post them to my blog. Here they are:

I wasn't trying or planning on becoming pregnant when I learned to expect the girls, and hadn't even spent one minute thinking about "being a mom someday" before that, so I felt really blind-sided by the whole newborn twins thing, as we all are, I suppose. I flew by the seat of my pants, and if I could go back in time I'd tell myself: "This is gonna be hard. Like, harder-than-you-can-even-imagine kind of hard. You are going to get no more than about one hour of sleep at a time, with two hours of emotionally draining work in between that MUST be done, no procrastination or putting it off 'till later. This sleep schedule will last for about 3 months, day in and day out. Then, since you're lucky, the girls will start sleeping for about 6 hours in a row at night, during which you still won't get much sleep because you'll be dying to do something, anything that makes you feel like you are more than just a mother. And while they're awake you'll be constantly trying to manage mini crisis' and somehow get the bare minimum of household chores done. Don't feel bad for not doing more. It seems to be either give the kids attention or get stuff done, and it's very hard to do a good job of both, especially early on. Then Then with twins comes the need to build up a thick skin on your heart. Mothers of singletons might not know the heartache of having to listen to the cries of your hungry baby and not be able to feed her because you're already feeding your other hungry baby. You will cry. A lot more than you expected, and you will feel like you're not doing enough, or being a good enough mum, but you are. And you won't feel that strongest-of-all-loves right away, but you will feel it, and it will fill your heart to bursting. You will sacrifice anything for them, your sleep, your sanity, your identity as apart from them, your every moment and every drop of energy. And this is how you know that you are doing a good job. Even if there are more chores to be done than there is time or hands for, and all three of you are crying at the same time, know that the fact that you are still there is proof that you are a good Mum and that you love them enough. Oh, and don't expect your marriage to come out unscathed either. You will have gone from being madly in love with each other to both being madly in love with other people, and this is hard to wrap your heart around at first. Don't blame or criticize each other. You are both just doing the best you can. Soon it will become easier and you'll become used to it, and you'll both be able to breathe again. And then when you get to hold each-other's hands instead of tiny little dimpled ones you'll ask "what did we do before we had kids?" and you'll agree that you'd never ever ask for anything other than this beautiful life.

Advice for my former self

My sister-in-law was asking me the other day what I would say to my pregnant self, if there was anything I could say, to prepare for having twinfants. This would be my answer. If it sounds bleak, I don't apologize because it's my experience. Everyone's experience is different.

You may not think you have expectations about early motherhood, but you do. You imagine those first moments to be full of love, the kind you get at the beginning of a relationship, when you're so head-over-heels in love, nothing else matters. And lets just address the expectations you've had all your life about having a baby. One baby. One at a time. And now here's two. Be prepared to feel utterly overwhelmed. There will never be enough of you to meet the needs and demands of two babies simultaneously, around the clock for months. Even though you'll do the best you can every day, you'll never feel like it is enough and you will feel guilty about that. But the desperation will pass as the babies grow, and you'll feel more competent and capable as the months go by. Soon, you will experience those head-over-heels in love moments. You'll experience the highest highs, the most intense, protective love. Don't expect it to happen right away. Change your expectations from bliss and happiness, to trying to live with the lowest anxiety possible. Expect to survive.

I remember saying to my brother at one point during the first few months that I didn't feel like I was being the mother I wanted to be. He told me that lots of mothers would say that. I can't say I feel the same way now (that I'm not living up to my expectations), although I could always be doing more with my kids. That first year was a tough one. Not gonna lie.

Popcorn and a Movie Day

I dreamed this day would come. A rainy, cold winter day when we could cuddle up inside with our jammies, watch a movie and most importantly I could RELAX with my children. Although it was only for ten blissful minutes, (babies have a short attention span) we ate popcorn and watched a Dora movie together. :)

Identity Confusion

There's been a lot of confusion in our house lately as to who is who. When I ask the girls, "Where's Carmen's nose?", they point comically at each others nose. When I ask "Where's Lena?", they both point at Lena, and when I ask "Where's Carmen?", they both point at each other.

I'm not sure exactly what is going on here. They respond to their names individually... I think... I've been under the impression they know their own names, until now.

I was at the store and a woman came up to see the babies, and told me that when her kids were little she always called them "guys" ("Come on guys!"). The older brother thought his little sisters name was Guys from then on, and called her Guys all the time.

Her story made me conscious of how much I call the babies "the babies" or "the girls", "women" etc. I'm going to have to do some focused name-teaching!

Blogged!

I haven't posted once since the babies switched down to one nap a day. I loved their two nap schedule because I could drink my coffee, write and had the time to get ready while they slept in the morning. Then in the afternoon I had time to prepare dinner. With one nap a day, I have time to shower and get ready, eat, tidy up and get ready for any outings we're going to take that afternoon, and plan dinner before the babies are up. Days are busier.

But lately I feel like something is missing and I know it's writing. I hardly write for myself anymore so I'm starting here.

So we're busy, yes. There's never a dull moment. But our house is so full of joy with these toddlers. Both are walking, and sometimes even running around. They chase each other, squeal and pounce on one another. They are learning so very quickly; they solve little puzzles, understand most things we say, they follow our instructions and they are on the brink of talking. And they share! They share with one another and they actually look happy while they are doing it.

They are also getting old enough to get excited about seeing people and doing new things. I absolutely love being witness to the girls as they experience things for the first time. When we went out trick-or-treating on Halloween they were awe-struck by the decorations at our neighbours house, by the kids dressed up and by the very fact that they were out past bedtime in the dark! They were all hopped up on sugar, literally running down the street in front of us, laughing and screaming. Here's a couple pictures. I am looking forward to Christmas this year!

A special thanks to Dora the Explorer for allowing this blog posting to be possible.