Anti-Yoga

Caring for a baby is like dedicating hours of your day to something I call Anti-Yoga. Here's how it's done:

First, when nursing your baby, ensure your neck is crooked completely down, staring into his face. Hold this position for 20 minutes to an hour to ensure optimal tension. Forget to breath.

Next, take him to his bassinet for a nap and gently lay him down. Bend awkwardly over him, with your hands on his body to ensure him you are still nearby. Stay like this for as long as it takes to ensure he will not wake. Hold your breath.

If he wakes up and fusses, pick him up and carry him around with you. Bounce him and sway often. This added weight should do wonders on your back and feet.

Now that he's settled, it's a good time to practice strength training. Because who needs to eat anyways? If you happen to have two 40lb toddlers at home, now is the time to lift, hold and hug them because they've been watching you do this with the baby for the past two hours. Get on your hands and knees and practice cat pose - then crawl around the house like this playing "kitties go to the beach", "kitties have a picnic" and such.

During diaper changes and bath time, ensure you hunch over your children as much as possible. Really twist yourself around to reach into the tub and wash them. Hold yourself steady, standing with your back rounded and wash their hair.

Finally, curl up beside the baby in bed to ensure him you are close enough that he can smell you and/or nurse. You may have to arch your back, bend your arm under your head and crink your neck completely downwards to watch him. Stay like this for at least another hour and don't breath or he might wake up. Final resting pose.

Week One

I started blogging again thinking I would write about the differences between having one baby and having twins, and so far, absolutely everything has been completely different. From the single "normal" pregnancy, to the birth that started naturally, progressed and ended beautifully, to the first week with one baby to hold, feed and bond with. There is no anxiety so far, the recovery has been so much easier and there is no shock of becoming a first time mom. I am so grateful to have this experience.

I'm so much more relaxed this time around, as I think many second time moms tend to be. I know what to expect, and how to breastfeed, I'm already bonded with him (which happened much faster than with the girls),  and nighttime is infinitely easier only having to nurse and comfort one baby.

What I didn't anticipate was reliving a lot of the emotions I went through when I had the girls. I felt as though I could never give each one enough. From pulling them off the breast if they'd been on too long (as there was someone else in line), having to put them down to fall asleep because I couldn't hold both, not being able to bond/stare lovingly at them for too long as before I knew it, the other would need something. And now, bringing the new baby into the house, I am remembering all that guilt I felt with them. They are having a hard time adjusting to having a new person that needs mommy so much. I am tired and starting to lose my patience just a little bit more with them. I know this period of time will pass, that we will all adjust and things will be okay. When I found out I was pregnant again, I worried so much about how I was going to care for a newborn (because the first time around was damn difficult), but it turns out that's the easy part! The hardest part has been maintaining my relationships with C&L, and having the energy for them.

I am still recovering, we are all adjusting, and so busy, but I hope to write more about this amazing experience.

Thanks for reading,
L

8 Weeks Left

As I ease into 31 weeks pregnant with baby #3, I've been thinking back quite a bit about this stage of pregnancy with the girls. I went off work at 30 weeks pregnant, passed off all my projects, had a baby shower and went home to incubate the twins. Then waited, albeit uncomfortably, at home, in sweet silence for them to arrive. I slept when I was tired, walked (very slowly) around my neighbourhood, drank 10 cups of water a day, ate fresh fruit and generally had no idea what I was in for.

This time around... is different. There's a general fear and anxiety that hangs over mine and my husband's heads, as we remember the, to put it lightly, "hard" time we had with twinfants. We know the worst of what we're in for. But we brush it away; it just can't be as difficult this time around /knocks on wood. I try my very best, but it's almost impossible to rest when I'm tired, and if I try to, I am clambered upon by elbowy three-year-olds, or suddenly everyone is upset about something and I have to get up. Instead of waking from pregnancy-related insomnia, and sleeping it off during the day, I'm awoken by toddler nightmares and early risers, and kept awake until bedtime.

With all the time I spend during the day feeding people, entertaining people, responding to people's questions, taking people potty, washing people's hands, helping people get their shoes and coats on, taking people to and from activities and appointments, I just don't have a lot of time to think about being pregnant, drinking 10 cups of water or eating fresh fruit, no matter how I try.

And then there's something new that I never experienced the first time around. As I think about holding my baby, my tiny, snuggly, helpless, sweet little baby, I start to glow. I know how short infancy is, I know firsthand how quickly everything changes. I hope this time around I am not so overwhelmed, that I am more relaxed and that even just at times, I'm able to enjoy it, enjoy my last baby, the one I wasn't sure I'd ever have, the one I was so afraid to try for, while he's so small.

HOW is it that despite all the sleepless nights, the desperation, the struggle, and now the busy life we lead, how is it that I melt at the thought of bringing another infant into our lives?

How is this pregnancy different from my last?

One of the questions I get most often is how I am finding this pregnancy different from my twin pregnancy.

First of all, I know who is kicking me :) And he kicks a lot! I am really in touch with his cycles of sleep and wake, because when he's awake he is on the move. I feel a lot more connected to the baby than I did with the twins, which I think will be the biggest difference even after he's born. Along with the sleep deprivation and nursing, one of the hardest things for me having twin infants was the emotional struggle I had when it came to bonding. I wanted so badly to just give one of them all of me, hold one until they fell asleep, gaze at one lovingly, give one all of my attention. Those moments were few and far between, which really impacted how quickly I bonded with each of them.

Another difference is that I am able to see a midwife, which is a totally different style of care than my rushed OB appointments last pregnancy. We talk for as long as we are able, my girls come to the appointments and hold the doppler, listen to the heartbeat. At my appointment yesterday the midwife said I feel baby kicking so much because there is so much room in my uterus after carrying twins! The baby is just swimmin' around in there. And, because of the previous pregnancy, I'm carrying really low. I think that's normal for a lot of women in their second pregnancy though.

My midwife said to me yesterday that "this birth is going to be completely different". I think the birth part, and having an infant is when I'm really going to notice all the differences between having one and having twins. Twin births are a big deal and often wind up with medical intervention. Having one baby is "normal". What I hope for most with this birth is just that it begins and progresses on its own. I can't believe I'm getting so close to my due date that I'm starting to prepare mentally for the birth!

It's a...

Although I was highly anticipating my twenty week ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby (at the end of October), I felt quite strongly that it was a boy. I even bought a few blue onesies, and started thinking of boy names. As the weeks went by, my intuition became stronger and stronger. I was feeling quite certain when I went into the ultrasound.

I lay down and the technician put cold jelly on my belly and began. She asked me if I was going to find out the sex and I said yes, so she said she'd write it in the report and my midwife would tell me the next day. Hm. I didn't want to wait! So I started to tell her how my instincts were already telling me it was a boy, that I already knew him and was waiting for him. "Yes, wow" she said, as she looked at the screen.

When Orlando came in to the room, she said "I guess I can show you... here's the head, here's the heart beating, the chambers of the heart. Here's two feet, legs and... this". She paused.

Orlando was preparing for another girl. But when the technician showed us the screen, I said "I don't think girls have those parts" and she smiled and said, "Nope". I looked up at Orlando and as he slowly realized that he was going to father a son, his face just lit up. Mine did too. My son was here with me.

I kid you not... we're having one more!

When I announced I was pregnant on Facebook a few months ago, lots of our friends were shocked. Many of them remembered hearing me say I'd never do this again, and others thought we were "getting it all done at once" with the twin thing. But... here we are, pregnant again!

I've always had a longing to experience one baby, but I was so afraid of getting pregnant with twins again. I went back and forth, my mind always shutting down the idea of having more children with logical reasons, but my heart didn't feel the same way. The door to having more children was never fully closed, but it was certainly only open a crack.

After a rather intense experience with a clairvoyant (hah, did I just lose you there?), I knew in my heart I had a son waiting for me. So, I invited him into our lives. I have always felt as though I were meant to mother a son, and I really thought the twins would be boys, but it turned out they were girls which I was very excited about. There was just... someone else waiting for me.

We got pregnant in the beginning of summer and were immediately panicked. The day I got a positive test result I called my doctor to confirm and book an ultrasound. I spent the next few weeks worrying, regretting, hoping. Finally our appointment came after what seemed like centuries. I waited for those fateful words "I see one healthy baby", and broke into tears. One Healthy Baby! I've always wanted one baby! I asked the ultrasound technician about five more times if she was sure. She was! Relief, bliss, excitement came over me.

I only had one more question... was it a boy? Was it the son I've been waiting for?

I needed to add this posting

I haven't blogged since last April. Since my babies started turning into toddlers, since things got a bit easier, since I fully recovered from the shock of having twins. My girls are 26 months now.

I wanted to add this posting for the twin moms who come across this blog in the midst of the first year, when things are so hard you feel desperate.

I'm writing this because my girls are upstairs playing in their room. They've made up a game in which one girl hides under the blanket fort pretending to be a dragon while the other walks by and is scared by the roar and runs away. They take turns being the dragon "Lena be dragon?" "Ya!". They are laughing, running, playing together.

I'm reminded of the woman on the street, who walked by with her seven year old twins when mine were only a year. She said, "At first you think you're unluckier than everyone else who had just one baby to care for, but over time you will realize that really, you're the lucky one". Today, my eyes fill with tears as I listen to my little girls playing by themselves upstairs, with each other. They have each other! We are lucky and they are lucky, to have one another.

You'll survive, and it gets so much better.

Goodbye Blog

I've been thinking for a few weeks about bringing my blog to a close. It's been a tumultuous year, and I'm happy to have blogged about it. My girls are getting older, things have gotten easier to handle and the shock of being a mom of multiples has worn off. There's a few reasons why I'm going to stop blogging, one being the privacy of my toddlers who are growing into little girls.

I want to thank you all for following us on this journey. For empathizing with me, for supporting me and giving advice. It got me through some really tough times. I hate to give up on my blog because the main reason I wrote it was for other moms to know that they're not alone in what they're going through. My heart would swell when I heard another mom-of-multiples found solace in an entry. I'm sorry to go, but it's time to move on.

Thank you so much for your support.
Loranda

After Yesterday

Yesterday was a not-so-good day and my blog posting was rather distressing. Reading it over again, I wanted to mention that a) When Lena was calling for help it was because her bunny fell between the beds and she couldn't reach it (I was checking in on her every 5-10mins, I hadn't just left her up there for an hour yelling "help!", b) Lena did not nap, c)Lena woke Carmen up, d)Both girls were cranky, but e)The world did not crumble.

Yes, they were tired all afternoon. We didn't go out like I planned because Lena was acting tired and having accidents in her undies, which is weird because she hadn't had any accidents for a week. Tired? I don't know, but the world did not crumble.

Today I sat in their room with them until they fell asleep, then snuck out. I will have to do this for a while I think, as it's better than the alternative.

Now, to rest until they wake up.

Update...

There's been so much going on in our house lately, but I haven't had a second to sit down and blog about it until now. Last week I ended up in ER with heart and chest pains, a very scary place to have pains. After a lot of hours in the hospital and tests all week, it seems I have acute pericarditis and that I'm recovering. It's when the outer sac of the heart becomes inflamed as a result of a previous viral infection. Lots of ibuprofen, rest (hah) and monitoring of my progress are what the doctor ordered.

When I first started feeling the heart/chest pains I realized how stressed out I was, and I was seriously hoping the heart pains and the stress weren't related. Luckily, they weren't, but before I knew that for sure, I thought a lot about why I was stressed out, and how I could manage it. My job really stresses me out. It doesn't end, I don't get to stop being a mom for a second; it's non-stop and it's full on.

My anxiety is inextricably linked to my children's sleep, and we are going through the crib to toddler bed transition. Trying to get toddlers to go to sleep by themselves in their own bed when they have the freedom to get up and walk around the room is incredibly frustrating and anxiety-inducing.*  I know they are tired, they need to sleep, and yet they won't! Right now, as I type this, my stress levels are rising as I hear Lena trying to open the door to her room, saying "help!" "help!" "Poopee poopee" (I just took her to the potty before nap-time). I've been trying to get her to go to sleep for the past hour. Carmen's been sleeping for the past 40mins. I'm afraid Lena's going to wake up Carmen, or worse, that Carmen will wake from her nap and Lena won't have gone to sleep yet. At that point, Lena will not sleep at all today because if I get Carmen up and out of the room and leave Lena in there by herself, Lena will flip out. Then I will have one cranky Lena all afternoon, with meltdowns at dinnertime that progress until bedtime.

Then I start thinking about the future, if Lena gets away with not napping today, will she think it's ok not to nap tomorrow? Is my future going to be full of these struggles, is she going to give up napping all together? I need them to nap. Naptime used to be a source of pleasure for me. For one hour during the day, I was able to shower, relax, eat something or lay on the sofa and turn off. This relax time has not only disappeared, but it's been replaced with major stress-inducing battles.

Breathe. How to manage this stress?

Reminding myself that this is not the end of the world. That the girls napped well the past few days. Today is a setback but I will not give up the fight that is nap-time. I will win and they will sleep. If not today, then tomorrow.

I need to step back. To accept that the world will not crumble if the children do not nap, even though it may feel that way. This is much easier said than done. It's really hard for me to see the big picture when I live in a world comprised of millions of minuscule and yet important pieces. Book doctors appointments, do taxes, make breakfast, make lunch, make dinner, clean up breakfast, clean up lunch, clean up dinner, buy groceries, do laundry, feed the cat, eat something, pay hydro bill, set-up direct deposit for mortgage payments, buy the babies bigger socks, and in between all that try to teach them something, show them something, and give them new experiences... chill out is the last thing on my list.

Living in that state of stress is not good for my body. I'm still figuring out how to manage. Maybe I won't figure it out, time will just pass and the babies will grow up.

*Although trying to get them to go to sleep in their toddler beds for nap-time is stressful, night-time has been going really well. So at least we've got that.