Anti-Yoga

Caring for a baby is like dedicating hours of your day to something I call Anti-Yoga. Here's how it's done:

First, when nursing your baby, ensure your neck is crooked completely down, staring into his face. Hold this position for 20 minutes to an hour to ensure optimal tension. Forget to breath.

Next, take him to his bassinet for a nap and gently lay him down. Bend awkwardly over him, with your hands on his body to ensure him you are still nearby. Stay like this for as long as it takes to ensure he will not wake. Hold your breath.

If he wakes up and fusses, pick him up and carry him around with you. Bounce him and sway often. This added weight should do wonders on your back and feet.

Now that he's settled, it's a good time to practice strength training. Because who needs to eat anyways? If you happen to have two 40lb toddlers at home, now is the time to lift, hold and hug them because they've been watching you do this with the baby for the past two hours. Get on your hands and knees and practice cat pose - then crawl around the house like this playing "kitties go to the beach", "kitties have a picnic" and such.

During diaper changes and bath time, ensure you hunch over your children as much as possible. Really twist yourself around to reach into the tub and wash them. Hold yourself steady, standing with your back rounded and wash their hair.

Finally, curl up beside the baby in bed to ensure him you are close enough that he can smell you and/or nurse. You may have to arch your back, bend your arm under your head and crink your neck completely downwards to watch him. Stay like this for at least another hour and don't breath or he might wake up. Final resting pose.