New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve snuck up on me. Usually I reminisce about the year gone by as it comes to a close. I think back to all the good times, bad times, and consider resolutions for the new year.

This year I realized my New Year's Eve already happened - on August 16th. My calender flicked over to a new year and a new start on August 17th when Carmen & Lena turned one. That is when I went through my reminiscing and celebrated turning a new leaf. December 31st doesn't hold so much weight this year!

That being said, I am really looking forward to moving into 2012. I'm ready to leave behind this cold, rainy weather and start looking forward to spring. We've booked tickets to visit my parents in Arizona in February so I'm really looking forward to/am anxious about the trip. We haven't gone on a vacation in a few years now and the idea of sunbathing and swimming in the pool is definitely appealing. Hopefully the relaxing aspects of the trip will outweigh the stressful ones of traveling with the girls!

Anyways, I wanted to say Happy New Year to all my friends and family who read my blog. Thank you for following me, and for supporting me. I hope you find much joy and peace in 2012. Much love. x

Bright Nights.

I haven't been writing much because things are going well. I'm really enjoying this stage in the girls lives and I don't have a whole lot to complain about. And people don't want to read about when things are going well, do they?

Well, in case you do I'll tell you about this past weekend. On Saturday afternoon we took the girls to a party where there were lots of other parents and babies. One of the parents jokingly asked me when I was planning on adding to the family (and in case you're wondering, that is the absolute furthest thought from my mind). But it made me think about how since I first found out I was pregnant with twins, I've always had the thought "I only have to do this once". It was the thought that got me through the hardest times in the first year. Knowing I'd never do what I did again made it more bearable. And now, this same thought, "I only have to do this once" has become "I only get to do this once".

I will only ever get to experience these things once. Carmen and Lena will never be small again. Living in the moment, and appreciating what is here now because it will never be here and now again makes every moment more vivid and more meaningful. I think this is part of the beauty of being a parent. There's a certain feeling that hits you in the heart when you have these thoughts. It's a blend of sadness, gratitude, happiness, absolute love and longing all at the same time.

Yesterday we went on the Bright Nights miniature train at Stanley Park for my nephew's second birthday. Carmen was dancing to the Christmas music, pointing at everything. Lena was staring quietly, gripping Orlando's fingers in her hands, taking it all in with a very serious expression. I was so happy in that moment, I was on the verge of tears. I tear up just thinking about it. I am so very, very grateful to have Carmen and Lena. So very lucky to have the experiences and memories I do. My intention is to live as much as possible in the present with my children. I only get to do this once.

Carmen, aka Doh-ter

Lena's been talking about "doh-ter" for a week. When Carmen takes Lena's toy, she says sadly, "doh-ter". When Carmen is upstairs sleeping and Lena is awake, she points up the stairwell and says "doh-ter". It took me a few days to realize that she's saying Sister! And now that I understand, I realize how often Lena says "Mama, Dada, Doh-ter". She always says it when Carmen is in the way, or when Carmen is doing something Lena wants to do, or if Carmen just isn't around and she misses her.

"Lena, can you say sister?"
Doh-ter! Doh-ter!

So now everyone simply calls Carmen Doh-ter.

Today, I'm Enough.

My life is my children. I mean, quite literally, that my life revolves around my children. Because I'm their mother and full-time caregiver. Wake up to them, care for them all day and see them to bed. It's a seven day a week routine. And sometimes, lots of times, I feel like I'm not doing enough for myself. That I'm not going out with friends enough, writing enough, creating enough, doing enough outside the kids.

I've been feeling low, like... where did all my friends go? Didn't I have a lot of friends, and do a lot of things before the girls were born? What did I do? My friends are still there, I just don't have a lot of time for them. My daily routine is impenetrable. In my free time, I crash. And last night, I realized something. This longing, yearning, desire for more - what's the point?

My life right now is full. My children are my life and that is how it is. It won't be this way forever. One day I'll be back at work focusing on my career. One day I'll have time to go out with friends, to create, to write, to plan, to do for myself. Today, I am a full-time, around-the-clock mom. And that's okay. Today that's enough. It's more than enough.

For Twin Moms

After writing last week's blog posting "Advice to My Former Self", I thought a lot about how really, this "advice" wouldn't be useful before I had my girls. But it is useful after you have twins, and not in a "getting advice" type of way, but because when you hear other twin moms stories, you realize you are not alone. To know that it's hard, and others have done it, and others have felt desperate, defeated and absolutely exhausted to their core, knowing that taking a break or giving up is not an option. And for that reason, to provide solace in the depth of twinfant madness, hopefully for some twin mom out there reading this, and also to myself even though that time has passed, I asked my twin-mom friends if they could go back in time and give their pregnant self advice, what they would say.  Jennifer's words were so beautiful, I asked her if I could post them to my blog. Here they are:

I wasn't trying or planning on becoming pregnant when I learned to expect the girls, and hadn't even spent one minute thinking about "being a mom someday" before that, so I felt really blind-sided by the whole newborn twins thing, as we all are, I suppose. I flew by the seat of my pants, and if I could go back in time I'd tell myself: "This is gonna be hard. Like, harder-than-you-can-even-imagine kind of hard. You are going to get no more than about one hour of sleep at a time, with two hours of emotionally draining work in between that MUST be done, no procrastination or putting it off 'till later. This sleep schedule will last for about 3 months, day in and day out. Then, since you're lucky, the girls will start sleeping for about 6 hours in a row at night, during which you still won't get much sleep because you'll be dying to do something, anything that makes you feel like you are more than just a mother. And while they're awake you'll be constantly trying to manage mini crisis' and somehow get the bare minimum of household chores done. Don't feel bad for not doing more. It seems to be either give the kids attention or get stuff done, and it's very hard to do a good job of both, especially early on. Then Then with twins comes the need to build up a thick skin on your heart. Mothers of singletons might not know the heartache of having to listen to the cries of your hungry baby and not be able to feed her because you're already feeding your other hungry baby. You will cry. A lot more than you expected, and you will feel like you're not doing enough, or being a good enough mum, but you are. And you won't feel that strongest-of-all-loves right away, but you will feel it, and it will fill your heart to bursting. You will sacrifice anything for them, your sleep, your sanity, your identity as apart from them, your every moment and every drop of energy. And this is how you know that you are doing a good job. Even if there are more chores to be done than there is time or hands for, and all three of you are crying at the same time, know that the fact that you are still there is proof that you are a good Mum and that you love them enough. Oh, and don't expect your marriage to come out unscathed either. You will have gone from being madly in love with each other to both being madly in love with other people, and this is hard to wrap your heart around at first. Don't blame or criticize each other. You are both just doing the best you can. Soon it will become easier and you'll become used to it, and you'll both be able to breathe again. And then when you get to hold each-other's hands instead of tiny little dimpled ones you'll ask "what did we do before we had kids?" and you'll agree that you'd never ever ask for anything other than this beautiful life.

Advice for my former self

My sister-in-law was asking me the other day what I would say to my pregnant self, if there was anything I could say, to prepare for having twinfants. This would be my answer. If it sounds bleak, I don't apologize because it's my experience. Everyone's experience is different.

You may not think you have expectations about early motherhood, but you do. You imagine those first moments to be full of love, the kind you get at the beginning of a relationship, when you're so head-over-heels in love, nothing else matters. And lets just address the expectations you've had all your life about having a baby. One baby. One at a time. And now here's two. Be prepared to feel utterly overwhelmed. There will never be enough of you to meet the needs and demands of two babies simultaneously, around the clock for months. Even though you'll do the best you can every day, you'll never feel like it is enough and you will feel guilty about that. But the desperation will pass as the babies grow, and you'll feel more competent and capable as the months go by. Soon, you will experience those head-over-heels in love moments. You'll experience the highest highs, the most intense, protective love. Don't expect it to happen right away. Change your expectations from bliss and happiness, to trying to live with the lowest anxiety possible. Expect to survive.

I remember saying to my brother at one point during the first few months that I didn't feel like I was being the mother I wanted to be. He told me that lots of mothers would say that. I can't say I feel the same way now (that I'm not living up to my expectations), although I could always be doing more with my kids. That first year was a tough one. Not gonna lie.

Popcorn and a Movie Day

I dreamed this day would come. A rainy, cold winter day when we could cuddle up inside with our jammies, watch a movie and most importantly I could RELAX with my children. Although it was only for ten blissful minutes, (babies have a short attention span) we ate popcorn and watched a Dora movie together. :)

Identity Confusion

There's been a lot of confusion in our house lately as to who is who. When I ask the girls, "Where's Carmen's nose?", they point comically at each others nose. When I ask "Where's Lena?", they both point at Lena, and when I ask "Where's Carmen?", they both point at each other.

I'm not sure exactly what is going on here. They respond to their names individually... I think... I've been under the impression they know their own names, until now.

I was at the store and a woman came up to see the babies, and told me that when her kids were little she always called them "guys" ("Come on guys!"). The older brother thought his little sisters name was Guys from then on, and called her Guys all the time.

Her story made me conscious of how much I call the babies "the babies" or "the girls", "women" etc. I'm going to have to do some focused name-teaching!

Blogged!

I haven't posted once since the babies switched down to one nap a day. I loved their two nap schedule because I could drink my coffee, write and had the time to get ready while they slept in the morning. Then in the afternoon I had time to prepare dinner. With one nap a day, I have time to shower and get ready, eat, tidy up and get ready for any outings we're going to take that afternoon, and plan dinner before the babies are up. Days are busier.

But lately I feel like something is missing and I know it's writing. I hardly write for myself anymore so I'm starting here.

So we're busy, yes. There's never a dull moment. But our house is so full of joy with these toddlers. Both are walking, and sometimes even running around. They chase each other, squeal and pounce on one another. They are learning so very quickly; they solve little puzzles, understand most things we say, they follow our instructions and they are on the brink of talking. And they share! They share with one another and they actually look happy while they are doing it.

They are also getting old enough to get excited about seeing people and doing new things. I absolutely love being witness to the girls as they experience things for the first time. When we went out trick-or-treating on Halloween they were awe-struck by the decorations at our neighbours house, by the kids dressed up and by the very fact that they were out past bedtime in the dark! They were all hopped up on sugar, literally running down the street in front of us, laughing and screaming. Here's a couple pictures. I am looking forward to Christmas this year!

A special thanks to Dora the Explorer for allowing this blog posting to be possible.

Rain

You know how they say Eskimos have a hundred words for snow? Well, Vancouverites have a hundred words for rain. While I was in England a couple years ago, I came into my hotel from the rain. A group of people asked me if it was raining outside and I paused and said, "It's drizzling". They were like "What?", and I had to describe what drizzling meant, "Well, it's not quite raining enough that you'd need an umbrella, but it looks like it might pick up soon". They laughed and I explained where I was from.

Today as I walked around the neighbourhood in the drizzle, I contemplated all the ways we describe rain in Vancouver. The most unobtrusive type of rain would be "mist", and we'd say "It's just misting". Then it would be "sprinkling", which is still tolerable without a rain coat or umbrella. Drizzling boarders between sprinkling and raining. Some may risk going without an umbrella, but if you wear glasses, expect them to get splotched with water. The next level would just simply be raining, which is when we would definitely want an umbrella or rain coat. But it would be okay to run to the car in the rain.

After that comes the downpour, something you do not want to be caught in. We live in a temperate rainforest, and it's no surprise that we get a lot of rain here in Vancouver. But that is what keeps our forests lush. And for me, rain makes me feel so cozy and homey. Happy first day of Fall!

My Life is You

My life is you
and suddenly I cannot imagine
what I would do with myself
if I were not your mother.
Back to wondering,
looking for meaning, for purpose
- that I have found.

I am full, full
my heart is full,
every muscle, all my blood
my organs, every bone is full
driven with my purpose
driven every day to provide
to love, to nurture.

My life is you,
and suddenly nothing else matters
the things that seemed precious
pale in comparison to you
For you, I'd do anything
nothing is as important as your sweet faces,
your every movement, your breath, your love.

My life is you and you.

Beautiful September

Lena loves lifting these big stones out of the garden.

Carmita, contemplating something important, I imagine.

Carmen comes to play with the stones.

Good Morning

I went to bed early last night and so at 7 this morning I woke up and thought I should get up, before the babies. I haven't done this in forever! I always sleep until they wake up, just after 8, milking those last minutes of the warmth of bed.

But today, the golden September sun was rising and I thought I should have a cup of coffee on our front steps and enjoy the crisp morning. The first day of school is always nostalgic and full of excitement. I have a vivid memory of sitting outside my high school twelve years ago today, with my good friend Miss Petunia, watching quietly as the same golden September sun lit up the sky.

Today I will go into work, and since I've been working in the office and from home quite a bit, it has brought such perspective to my life as a mom. Being away from the girls, even just the one day, makes me want to hug them tighter, watch them closer, drink them in as they play together. I want to squeeze them and tickle them and bite their cheeks.

Having a coffee to wake me up a little in the morning before I see them puts me in such a good mood.  Having time to imagine them peacefully sleeping in their cribs, and anticipating the moment they wake up so I can go into their room and see their rosy-cheeked, sleepy little faces. I'll pick them both up out of their cribs with each arm and they'll wrap their legs around me to cling onto each hip, and we'll sit down on the floor and smile and squeeze each other.

Dining Out - Success!

Well, we did it! We took the babies out to a restaurant for the first time in... well, their lives. Since Orlando's off on Saturday and Sunday, we tended to avoid taking the babies out because those are the days restaurants are busiest. Taking them to a bustling, crowded, busy restaurant scared me a little. Carmy & Leens are sensitive to crowds. Partially, probably because we don't end up in crowded places often.
But then I found The Tipper Room. They host a mommy meetup every Friday in the back, which my sister-in-law has been to and quite enjoys (we haven't gone, because it conflicts with our naptime). Yesterday I was feeling adventurous, so I called to ensure they were kid friendly (they are) and that they had two high chairs (they do!). It is also only a five minute walk away! So off we walked, and when we arrived, it was not too busy, we got seated right away and both high chairs were available. Phew! They serve delectable breakfasts; the usual eggs & toast, as well as bennys, caramelized banana cinnamon french toast (of course we got that) and a nice variety of beers (which we didn't enjoy, but maybe next time). The girls were great, barring a major coffee-spillage, rather noisy sippy cup-bashing against the table & Carmy's occasional abrupt shouts, everything went well and I can see us going there much more often.

Here's a little video of the girls at The Tipper Room. You'll notice I turn off the camera right after I hear "OH MY GOD"..." and a woman inevitably walks over to gush over the girls. It's unavoidable. Although she said something to us I hadn't heard yet: "If these girls were mine, I'd wake up laughing and go to sleep laughing, hahaha". Orlando and I were quiet - neither of us knew how to respond to that! We definitely laugh a lot during the day, but when you've been woken up every morning (sometimes way too early - and often after much too little sleep) by crying babies, laughing's not the first thing I think to do!

Two Nap Babies

My girls still take two naps a day, around 10ish and 2ish. It's wonderful and horrible. I love that I can stay in my pj's until 10ish and then get myself ready while they take their first nap. I hate it because we only really have a few hours between naps to do anything. Luckily it's been summertime while they are on two naps and we just walk to the park or play outside during their awake time. But as Fall approaches and the cold/rainy season is just around the corner, I'm starting to look for places to take them and things to do. I've looked at the Fall schedules for all of the nearby community centres and libraries and it seems all of their events for our age group fall between 9am and 12pm... horrible timing for us! I can't find anything to go to that is in the 12-3 time-frame. Any Vancouver moms have insights for me? They should be close to switching to one nap a day, so we may just have to wait until that happens.

My Neighbourhood

When we moved in March, I knew we loved the house, but I had no idea what the neighbourhood would be like. We really enjoyed our neighbourhood in the Hastings/Sunrise area. All I knew about the area was that we were moving onto the same street as my in-laws (they live a few blocks down), and a grocery store, library, elementary school, parks and Trout Lake were within walking distance. I had no idea just how many children lived on my block!

The first families we met were the ones that live in our strata lot. There are five homes on our lot (2 duplexes and 1 detached), and out of the five lots are four stay-at-home moms, with 7 kids under 8 years old between us. Soon after moving in, my neighbour two houses up knocked on the door with a bag of cookies and a 2 year old on her hip (she has 3 kids total). It turns out that there are about 15 kids under 9 years old within a half a block (all on our side of the street too).

When the babies get the 4pm blues, or if they are particularly fussy, I take them out to the front of our house where there is usually 1-3 moms hanging around with their kids. I don't have to go further than the curb and there is someone to help me out by holding a baby! Carmen and Lena love going out to just watch all the kids in action. If I open the front door around dinner time, Carmen clambers up the to the baby gate and cries to get out. If I let her, she'll crawl all the way to the front of the house to sit and watch the kids play. And the kids love the babies. They try to make them laugh, hold them, help them walk, and entertain them. I feel so grateful to live on such an amazing street with so many moms, kids and so much support. I'm also so happy for Carmen and Lena to grow up with kids to play with literally right outside their door.

Thanks to my neighbours who make living here so wonderful!

Thank Goodness for Two

I used to play The Sims in my spare time to relax, and play out the fantasy of creating my dream home and having kids. Now that the kids are here, I don't play much but when I do, I play out my dreams of pursuing wild careers instead. Today, however, my Sim go pregnant. That's okay, I thought. She had her baby, and then she had another... and another! Triplets?! What! Both my Sim parents had to take unpaid leave from their job and my days became: Feed Bottle, Change Dirty Diaper, Snuggle, Play, Put in Crib, Take a Quick Shower, Eat Leftovers, Sleep. My heart started racing when all three Sim babies cried at the same time, their status going from Green (Happy), to Yellow (not too Happy), to Red (furiously crying, with the risk of Social Services coming to knock on the door and take them away forever).

PHEW. Not what I call a break from my reality. Having Simulated triplets really made me grateful for twins. At least I have two boobs to feed them with, two hands to hold them with, two legs to bounce them on and two hips to perch them on. I can't imagine how families with triplets do it (I'm not even going to try to imagine more than triplets - at that point it's like a baby army). So hats off to you, triplet mothers. Not that any of you will probably read this. But yes, today I am grateful for "just" two.

There was a time before they had curls?

Back to work! One day a week...

My lovely coworkers at Lush Cosmetics have allowed me to come back in a very limited capacity of one day a week in office, and some work from home.

I'm so busy around here, but I didn't want to just quit my job without trying to make it all work. Especially because I love my job and can't imagine just walking away from it, when I worked so hard to get where I am. Daycare is much too costly for two babies in the city, so I can't afford to go back full time. Besides the financial cost of daycare, being away from my girls for the next four years from 9-5 (8-6, really) 5 days a week costs too much emotionally. The benefits of having twins include not having to go back to meet maternity leave requirements for my next child (I don't plan on having more - not at this point anyways). Also, if I'm only going to do this baby/toddler thing once, I want to be here for everything. It's all going to happen in the next four years, and I want to be here for them. I can go back to my career full-time once they are in school. I know these few years are going to fly by.

I had my first day last Tuesday and it was so exciting! I caught up with everyone, went to a meeting where adults talked about ideas, wrote a lot, used the creative side of my brain, and at the end of the day, came home to my little baby girls. My mom and dad are babysitting for me every Tuesday, so I don't have to put them in daycare. When they leave for Arizona in October, my mother-in-law is going to take over if all goes well. I wouldn't be able to do it without them! Thanks Nana & Papa & Abuela.

Looking Forward

During the weeks leading up to the girls first birthday, I couldn't help but think back over this past year's hardships.What a relief that the intense level of sleep-deprivation and physical demands of constant nursing are behind me.

I am friends with a few other twin moms on Facebook. Mostly, we've never met. We've been united through friends who say "I know another twin mom!" and connect us online. What I have noticed about being a twin mom during the first year, is that we are stuck between the place of feeling blessed, and feeling intensely otherwise. For me, there comes a guilt with being a twin mom that says it's not acceptable to acknowledge or pronounce feelings of anguish about having two at once, because we are supposed to be the lucky ones. Not only did we have the luck to have children, but we had two at once! We must be so lucky, and so blessed. I'm not denying that is the case. I'm just saying that the overall feeling during the first year, was that I did not feel lucky, or blessed. For us, the first year of twins was not easy, and was not fun.

Another twin mom told me that at first, we feel unluckier than everyone else to have twins. And then, a few years go by and we suddenly realize we are actually the lucky ones.

I'm done looking back at this past year. The girls' first birthday party was a huge celebration, especially for myself. We made it one year; we have healthy, happy babies and we did our best for them. Knowing that, I am ready to move on, to stop reflecting and to start looking forward.

One of the happiest days of my life. 

We came here to have babies

I remember this day last year vividly. I was laying in bed in the morning, uncomfortably on my side, sleepless like I had been for months. I had an extraordinarily large belly, stretched out more than I ever thought possible. My doctor had been talking induction for weeks as my body showed kidney abnormalities and signs of pre-eclempsia. My body was struggling to provide nourishment to the growing, full term twins.

The phone rang at about 9am, a friendly woman named Nancy from BC Women's Hospital was calling to tell me they had some room there, that my doctor was there, and if I wanted to come in for an induction, I could. I hung up to think about it. I talked to Orlando and he encouraged me to do what I felt right, but I knew that every day that passed was getting more difficult, and he was worried and stressed about my health and well-being. At this point in my pregnancy, I felt desperate, depressed and beyond ready. I decided to go into the hospital and phoned Nancy to tell her.

Orlando told work he wouldn't be coming in, and we drove over to my brother and sister-in-law's house. It was blazing hot, and we were all feeling emotional as we thought about the labour ahead of me and the imminent arrival of the girls. They told me I should eat, and had leftover pizza so I had a slice (bad idea alert! I saw that pizza later). Jen drove us to the hospital, trying to be cheery and relaxed, but we were worried and scared.

In the hospital waiting room I tried desperately to get comfortable, sitting, standing, laying. There was no way I could get even remotely relaxed or comfortable in my condition. Finally they led us to my delivery room - and coincidentally, where Jen gave birth to her son a mere 8 months earlier. We set up shop, my waters were broken, and the labour began.

A lifetime ago. A year ago. So much has changed! I'm so looking forward to the girls' first birthday tomorrow, to start a new year with them. Everyone was right, it just keeps getting better!

The simple things... like walking

I know I should be careful what I wish for, but I so wish the girls could walk. It's simple things like going to and from the car that require a five step pre-planned procedure and one or more baby-moving devices.

Today I decided to forgo setting up the stroller, wheeling the babies to the car (20 feet from my front door), then folding it up and putting it in the trunk. Instead, I experimented with a yo-yo approach. Place one baby in the backyard, sitting down with mommy's keys in hand to occupy her, go back in for the next baby and move her just outside the fence, go back for the next baby and move her down the path to the next fence, go back for the next baby and take her to the car, put her in her seat and go back for the next baby and carry her to the car. They remained in my sight at all times but I didn't feel like this was a particularly "safe" way to get to the car. Playing with mommy's keys kept them from crawling anywhere or eating pebbles, but it still didn't feel right.

On the way back in from our excursion, Lena was placed with mommy's keys by the fence, and I turned to go back to get Carmen, got to Carmen's door and Click. Doors locked. I had to go back to Lena (with keys) and push the unlock button. Back to Carmen's door and Click. Locked. By the time I got Carmen out, Lena still had the keys and locked the car back up for me.

It's times like this that I wish for the simplest of things, like for them to be able to walk the 20ft to the car. And yet, I know when that happens I will be wishing they couldn't walk, because they will be running in opposite directions down the back alley while I try to get everything and everyone into the car. Baby leashes recommendations anyone?

Getting Emotional

I have been feeling thick with emotion lately. My body feels sore, heavy and tired. The body part is probably because I've been lugging around 19 & 20lb babies (I weighed them today!). The emotion bit might have to do with weaning, letting go of that phase of my babies' lives. It is also related to their first birthday approaching and thinking back to this time last year. Not only that, but my neighbour just had her baby girl on Saturday night and I went weapily through my ultra-tiny baby onesies to lend her a few.

Looking back to last August (through December) is really hard. Somehow I made it out alive, with happy, healthy little girls. But I am tired. As I say goodbye to their first year, I am so relieved it is all over. Sleepless months, frustration, exhaustion, and so many tears.

I remember so many nights of leaning over my babies as they tandem nursed, crying onto their faces in exhaustion. I remember the dark, long winter in our one-bedroom apartment. Walking in the rain with Lena in the baby carrier at 4am because she'd been crying for 2 hours and Orlando had to work in the morning. Pushing my angries out with the double stroller around my frozen neighbourhood at all hours of the day and night. Trying desperately to get the babies to sleep. Most of my memories are of the desperation I felt. Deep, dark and rich.

I know myself so much better. I know what I am capable of. I know my family better, cherish them more than I ever have before. I have so much more empathy for new moms (and old moms), especially mothers of multiples. I have experienced higher highs and lower lows than I ever knew possible. It's been an extraordinary year, and I am so ready to say goodbye to it.

Then

Now

Gratitude for Good Health

It's easy to get caught up in the daily drama of life and forget to be grateful for things as basic as health. It's only until we become sick, or someone we know becomes sick that we suddenly realize the most important thing in life is living.

After our doctor, and then our pediatrician couldn't figure out what a small skin tag on one of the babies was, we were sent to see a general surgeon. So yesterday we took the girls to the Children's Hospital to get it checked out (turns out it's benign and will go away on it's own within the next few months). Being in the waiting room with a room full of sick and potentially sick children humbled us. Then, going into the doctors office and having him ask us questions about our babies' health and development (does she seem to play normally, is she growing normally etc.) put things into perspective. The general surgeon told us, "It's nothing to worry about. She won't require surgery, and it will go away on it's own" was such a relief. But I couldn't help thinking about all the children, all the babies, that do require surgery.

My heart goes out to all families with babies who are sick. I can't imagine the magnitude of being in that situation. I'm grateful for the health of my babies, my husband, family and friends. Sending love your way, and wishing you and your families the best of health. xoxoxo

Weaning

It's Breastfeeding Week or something, and ironically the time I have chosen to wean. I did it - breastfed two babies for an entire year. And frankly, I am ready to be done with it.

As demanding as it has been on my body, I am so proud that I have been able to nurse for this long. For the first three months I was nursing each baby every 2-4 hours. I repeat - for THREE months I was nursing EACH baby EVERY 2-4 hours. No break. No escape. No sleep longer than 4 hours. But we made it through and got the hang of it and slowly that became every 4-12 hours. Now, here we are, one year later.

I am excited to end nursing, and I think my babies are ready too. Two weeks ago I cut out the nursing session before their first nap, and yesterday I cut out the nursing session before their second nap. They have adjusted perfectly so far. I give them a sippy cup with whole milk, we go into their room and turn on the lullaby, drink from cups and have a cuddle. I enjoy it so much more than nursing. I actually didn't enjoy nursing at all. I didn't feel like it was this major bonding thing, I felt like it was a job to be done. I felt like I was the machine on a production line, and the babies were coming down the belt towards me ready to be nursed.
As I was nursing, I wasn't usually admiring the baby, I was thinking about the other baby. Was she crying, waiting in line? Was she nursed and sitting in bed staring at us? Was she trying to fall asleep but distracted by us in the room?

So as this year comes to an end, I have sold my breastpump, bottles and nursing pillows. I'm going to continue the before-bed nursing session and the middle of the night session for a while longer because it works for us, and that's it. We made it a year! It's time to move on, and I'm so relieved.

Gimme gimme!

How do you tell a ten month old not to steal toys from another ten month old? Can babies even comprehend sharing at this point? I'm not sure if I should intervene and reprimand Carmen when she takes a toy from Lena. When Carmen sees Lena with something, she is filled with an intense desire to possess that exact toy immediately. Lena doesn't seem to mind too much, but I feel bad for her and I don't want Carmy to think this behavior is ok. Have any of you dealt with this? 

On Pacifiers

To use paci's, or not to use paci's; that is the question. For me, paci's were a lifesaver. Our paci's stay in the crib, only for use before naps and bedtime. When I go out, I usually take emergency paci's in the diaper bag in case of meltdown, but I don't often use them anymore. Whether you decide to use the paci or not, please read the "con" lists on websites like KellyMom and BabyCentre with a critical eye. I have a major beef with the con lists these sites offer. Of course, many of the cons are justified, but I get the feeling the lists are biased towards a prevalent negative attitude towards paci use.

BabyCentre warns that extended use of paci's can result in dental and speech problems. It's possible dental problems can occur with prolonged use, like using the paci when the permanent teeth are coming through (around age 6). Most people don't use the paci that long, weaning their baby after the first year or two, before that becomes an issue. As for speech problems, BabyCentre says "using a dummy prevents babies from babbling, which is an important step in learning to talk and discourages toddlers from chatting, which they need to do to develop their language skills". I guess if your child has their pacifier in all day, this might happen, but I certainly think this would only be a con for using a paci ALL DAY, and should not be considered a disadvantage of using a pacifier to soothe before/during sleep. And I'll just add that using a paci doesn't "prevent" babies from babbling. Both mine can babble through it, or simply spit it out. BabyCentre also links pacifier use to stomach infections. All I have to say about that, is keep the paci's clean & sterilized and I don't see that as a major problem.

This one takes the cake though. KellyMom says, "Giving baby a pacifier will increase mom's chances of ovulating and getting pregnant". What? I believe this statement is based on some studies that indicate babies who use paci's wean earlier. So if your baby weans earlier, your period comes back earlier and it's possible you could get pregnant.
A) Not all babies who use paci's (mine included) wean early 
B) Your period can come back even while breastfeeding and
C) If your period does come back early, ever heard of birth control?
It seems like quite a stretch to say using paci's will increase chances of getting pregnant. If I heard someone say "Yeah, I used pacifiers and now I'm pregnant again", I'd think that was the most horrible excuse.

Now of course there are valid reasons that people choose not to use pacifiers. They want to teach their babies self-soothing without the use of props, they are concerned that paci use will interfere with breastfeeding or milk production. It goes without saying that no parent needs to justify this decision. I just wanted to bring attention to my perception that these articles have an inherent negative bias towards paci use. Thoughts?

Identical vs. Fraternal Twins: The Facts

When it comes to being a twin mom, I get all sorts of questions and comments from people about twins. There seems to be a lot of misconceptions and a simple lack of knowledge about multiples and so, I use this public outlet to spread the knowledge about the basic difference between fraternal and identical twins.

Identical Twins
Identical Twins ARE NOT a result of any hereditary factors. Anyone can have identical twins. It is here that the question "Do twins run in your family?" has no bearing on a mom who has identical twins. Simply put, identical twins occur when a single egg is fertilized and spontaneously divides in half, becoming two separate embryos. This is why identical twins are always the same sex (although, there has been new research done that indicates it is possible in very rare cases that identical twins could be opposite sex, however I won't go down that road. It's safe to assume that if twins are boy/girl they are not identical).

Fraternal Twins

Fraternal Twins ARE a result of a hereditary factor. Most women produce one egg per cycle, but women with hyperovulation (sometimes called the "twin gene") produce more than one egg per cycle. If two eggs are fertilized during a cycle, twins are created. This is what happened with myself. It is possible I passed hyperovulation on to my daughters. It makes sense to ask me if twins run in my family, because they do, and the "twin gene" (hyperovulation) was passed down to me from my mother, grandmother (who had fraternal twin sisters) and so on. Because it is a gene carried by women, the father has no control over producing twins. So even if my husband has twins on his side of the family, it doesn't play a role in twin production.

Myth: Twins do not skip a generation.
Fact: Because fraternal twins are created when two separate eggs are fertilized, they are no more genetically similar than brothers and sisters born at different times.
Fact: Fraternal twins can be conceived at different times during a cycle and even have different fathers!

And mine are awake! So I have to go. There's your twin lesson for the day.

When the park only has one baby swing.

Add caption

Double Trouble!

Yesterday we came home from running errands and I set the girls down just inside the door (Mistake number one. I should have put them inside the gated, baby-safe area). I started putting away some fruit and suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see Lena (who was just playing with books) shoving a handful of dirt in her mouth from the plant on the floor. I throw a pineapple into the highchair, grab her and rush her to the sink where I try to scoop/splash dirt out of her mouth. She doesn't seem to mind eating dirt, nor being doused with water. Throughout the fiasco, she's got a rather inquisitive look about her as she munches the soil.

I carry the babies upstairs one by one and phone Orlando to tell him Lena likes dirt. Not a minute goes by when I realize that Carmen has somehow gotten the door to the third floor open (the door must not have been latched properly) and is climbing the stairs, while in the other direction, Lena is in the bathroom unraveling the entire roll of toilet paper and having a delicious T.P desert. Talk about double trouble!

More things about two

Sharing mommy

I wouldn't change having Carmy and Lena for anything, but sometimes I get a major case of single-baby envy. 

Having twins means that no one gets as much snuggle time with mommy as they want. I know moms with more than one child probably share the feeling that there's never enough of them to go around. But sometimes I crave that bonding time the mom gets with her very first child, when there's no others to worry about, when it's just baby and mommy.

Having twins means going to play groups and library story times only if I have my mom with me as neither baby can stand on their own so both need to be helped. It means I can only nurse/cozy up with one for a few minutes before naptime, while the other waits in the play pen in the other room. It means when one starts crying, quite often the other starts too, just because the first one is. It means that after mealtime, I have to wash mouths, hands AND ears/hair because they sit beside each other and get their mucky fingers all over each others heads. It means hair pulling, ear pulling and trampling all over one another because, as both are just babies, they don't understand that it hurts the other person. It means I cannot reason with either in lessons of sharing (hence much toy pulling and tears). It means that it doesn't matter if one sleeps through the night, if the other one doesn't. Having twins also means I am always busy (which isn't always a bad thing). It means that everything I do, everywhere I go, has to involve a strategy.

Having twins is certainly difficult, but I feel honoured and grateful to be simultaneously rewarded and challenged with two at once. It has completely taken over my life, and even though I wonder what it would be like to have just one, I wouldn't change things if I could.
 

Personality

Lena Bean

Lena has been a big sucky momma's girl this past week. Luckily, Carmy's neediness of three weeks ago has phased out because otherwise babies would be trampling all over me all day, demanding to be picked up and snuggled (not the worst thing in the world, it's just quite awkward trying to satisfy two babies in need of mamma at once).

Observing the babies go through these phases really makes me wonder about the stability of personality and behavior. I know lots of moms with grown children who say "she was like this since she was born", and there is a certain comfort to know that when you were born you were just like you are now, you have a personality you were born with. But my kids really make me wonder if this is the case.

With two babies at once, people like to compare them (it's pretty hard not to, although I try to do it consciously) and say "this one is this way, that one is that way", but just when I think I know who's who, they completely switch personalities. For the first six months, Carmy was the serious older sister. She was momma's girl, quiet, observant, calm and played easily by herself. Lena was needy, had a lot of physical issues (gas etc.) that made her cry more often. She needed more attention even when she was playing. Then Carmy became the outgoing one, always trying to make Lena laugh, she started becoming quite the little ham. Lena became more serious and quiet, and a real momma's girl. Watching them change and develop in ways that constantly surprise me makes me realize how complex personalities are. I can no longer say "she's the __ one" because I know that it's probably just a phase, and that all of us hold the potential to be all of these things, shy, quiet, outgoing, playful, needy, sensitive and independent. 

I'm wondering if they will express certain traits more often as they grow or if they will continue to surprise me. All I know is, it's absolutely stunning to know these little people so intimately from birth, to find out who they are every day, and how satisfying it is to support them, encourage them and love them no matter what.

Mother's Day

On top of the big grassy hill on Granville Island

My first Mother's Day was perfect.

After strawberries and waffles at my brother's house (with my sister-in-law, nephew and my parents), Orlando and I drove around the city. The babies were so peaceful and fell asleep as we drove through downtown, Kits and then out to UBC. They napped in the car as Orlando and I drove, holding hands and whispering.

We drove into Granville Island and the babies woke up, so we parked and walked around. I found a necklace and earings set, circular crystals that shine all colours in the sunlight. I bought them for myself so I could always be reminded of my first Mother's Day. To me, the circles symbolize endless love and motherhood. My mother is a grandmother, I am now a mother of two daughters and they themselves may someday become mothers. The girls love the shiny necklace. When I'm laying or sitting near them, they crawl over to me, pull themselves right up and want to look closely at it. With their little faces so still and near to mine, I get a opportunity to snuggle and admire them up close.

I haven't felt so present in a long time. I remember during pregnancy, really marinating in the calm before the storm. Everything was bright, vivid, clear. Since having the babies every day is a tired, foggy haze. On Mother's Day, I absorbed every moment, locking it up in my mind so I'll never forget how things are right now. Trees and flowers in bloom, blues skies, the vision of my sweet girls sleeping in the back seats, daddy making the girls giggle like crazy by running with the stroller, twirling around with Lena amid the cherry blossoms, watching Carmy pull out little tiny fistfuls of grass and trying to eat clovers.  My babies are 9 months old next week - how did this happen? Time is flying by and they are learning and growing so quickly. Things will never again be as they are now.

Getting Dirty

Now that spring has sprung and the weather is warming up, we've been playing with the girls in the backyard (yes! we have a backyard!). Carmy & Lena are so curious about the grass, dirt and plants; they just want to get their hands into everything. It usually happens like this: Orlando and I set out a blanket on the grass, bring out some toys and sit down with the girls to play. The babies start by looking around, playing with their toys a bit, and then they venture towards the edges of the blanket and start pulling up grass. We spend a while intervening as the girls pull the grass out of the ground with their little fists and bring it towards their open mouths. Then, we spend about five minutes pulling them back onto the blanket as they repeatedly try crawling off of it. Finally, we give in and let them crawl around. Soon, they've got their sweaters, shoes and pants dirty by virtue of crawling and their hands and under their fingernails are dirty due to their grass-pulling and dirt grabbing.

Now there is a fork that every parent comes to in which they have to make a decision. Are they going to try (most likely in vain) to keep their children clean, or are they going to let them make a big mess? I find myself at this crossroad whenever we go outside, as well as at every single mealtime (three times a day). I can try to clean up messes as they happen, wipe faces and hands constantly, or I can just accept that the girls are going to make a big mess and just clean them and the mess all up later.

My dad always said (and still does) that "A little dirt won't hurt", and this phrase always runs through my mind in these moments. I choose to suppress my desire to try to keep everything clean and just let go. My brother told me about a study that suggests that little girls are kept to a higher standard of cleanliness than little boys and that this means they are more likely to develop asthma and allergies (it's part of a larger theory you have probably heard called the Hygiene Hypothesis). Popular culture is obsessed with cleanliness and sometimes it can be difficult to let that go. But the Hygiene Hypothesis suggests that it's better for our health to get dirty once in a while - besides, where's the fun in keeping clean all the time?

Easier, More Enjoyable, Happier

I haven't cried in two months. Ok, I teared up once or twice but it was actually because I was joyous, not sad. This coincides with my girls passing the six month mark, as well as us moving into our new home (and our own rooms). Thinking back to the first six months makes my stomach tighten up into knots... having two infants was hardly my idea of a good time.

Friends with babies ask me how I did it with two infants. This question always leaves me speechless, it cuts to my core and brings tears to my eyes. I didn't have a choice. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm so grateful that the intensity of the first six months has subsided and things are calming down. I honestly don't know how I would have done it without my husband, and the support of our family and friends. I'm grateful every day for the wonderful people that helped me during that time. I'm happy to say that the babies are sleeping for longer stretches at night, are becoming more independent, crawling around and entertaining themselves more, and are becoming more delightful as their personalities emerge and they interact with us and each other. My anxiety level has declined, I'm becoming more relaxed, getting more sleep and actually getting some semblance of a life back. Orlando and I have had friends over, I've been going to yoga again, staying up a bit later which gives me some "me time" (goodbye 7pm bedtime) and overall, I'm starting to feel more human again.

When the girls and I are snuggled up on the sofa watching Dora and eating crackers, I get visions of the future. A future where the three of us (and when daddy's home, the four of us) actually hang out, make forts, read books on rainy days, cuddle up to watch movies, make cookies, play in the yard and go for adventures. This future excites and delights me. All those other parents were right, it does get better, easier and more enjoyable! Until they become teenagers I guess...

Hosting a dinner for my family at our new home (alright, my mom did the cooking - thanks mom!)

What Twin Studies Have Shown Us About Parenting

 I just finished reading One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I Learned About Everyone's Struggle to be Singular by Abigail Pogrebin. What struck me most was the findings of the Minnesota Twin Family study done on identical twins. The results indicated that identical twins separated at birth and reunited as adults had about an equal chance of being similar in terms of personality, attitudes and interests as identical twins reared together in the same home.

I recently read another article by Bryan Caplan, a twin dad and self-proclaimed "avid consumer of twin research", entitled Have More Kids, Pay Less Attention to Them, in which he also discusses the results of identical twin studies that indicate that "the effect of parenting on adult outcomes ranges from small to zero". These conclusions indicate that as long as we are raised in a loving home (no abuse) and our best traits are encouraged, genetics (nature) pretty much plays a bigger part than all the details about how our parents raised us (nurture).

I feel like these results go against my instincts that nurture should really play a bigger part in determining who my kids will become, but if it's true that nature is a bigger factor, I also feel a huge sigh of relief. For the most part "parenting" has only just begun (I'm not sure how much one can parent an infant as much as just meet their basic needs) and has consisted of the starting of discipline ("No - do not eat those wires"), letting them watch cartoons, reading with them, teaching them to share and socializing them. I can definitely give myself a hard time for letting them watch cartoons or worrying about not socializing them enough, or I can give myself a break. It's not as though I'm giving myself permission to throw my hands up and stop parenting. But I think these studies show us that lightening up a little won't harm our kids. That having fun, loving and encouraging them is enough. Caplan writes, "Focus on enjoying your journey with your child, instead of trying to control his destination".

Cloth Diapers - If I can do it, so can you!

Just when I think I've got things under control, there's something new I have to learn all about. First it was cloth diapering, then it was making baby food and I'm sure I'll find out soon what I have to learn about next.

My husband strongly believed we should use cloth diapers. I didn't know where to start, which brand to choose, how to clean them and was just too overwhelmed with the newborns to worry about it. I promised myself once they reached ten pounds I would look into it. So after a couple months of using disposables, and feeling dismayed about the amount of trash we were producing, I started doing some research. With the recommendations of friends and strangers online, I chose Fuzzibunz (one-size) and Easy Fit pocket diapers. After I learned how to use and clean them (one rinse cycle with no soap, one wash cycle with soap, then dry), cloth diapering really just became part of my routine. I bought 29 diapers and a large wet bag to keep the dirty ones in, for a total of $675. These diapers last until the babies are potty trained, or until they weigh about 35 pounds. Disposable diapers cost about $50-$80 per month, per child so I estimate I would spend at the very least $2500 in two years.

The cost savings and savings to the environment justify the extra 20 minutes or so every other day it takes me to use cloth. I have enough diapers to last me two days, so every other day I do laundry. I do so much laundry anyways that the extra loads really don't stress me out. It takes about 20 minutes to fold up all the diapers (most cloth diapers come with inserts you have to stuff into the cover). Cloth diapers have come a long way since my mom's generation and are so easy to use. My babies are comfortable in them and they come in cute patterns too.

Feel free to contact me if you are interested in cloth diapering and don't know where to start. A friend of mine runs a business that sells cloth diapers, if you're looking for info you can check out her website: seatoskybabies.vpweb.ca  If I can do it, so can you (as long as you have an in-house washer & dryer!)

Magical Thinking

I am a firm believer in magical thinking when it comes to babies and sleep. There has been far too much proof to deny it. I know that probably just writing this post and thinking about Lena and Carmy as they sleep will wake them up.

What I mean is that as soon as I think they are down for a nap, if I try to lay down myself they wake up and cry. Laying on the couch is risky, shutting my eyes is riskier, and putting the blanket over myself is the kiss of death. The moment that blanket is snug around me, someone cries.

Back massages are risky business too. Just when we think the girls have gone down for the night, I settle in thinking of relaxing, while Orlando simply touches my back and immediately someone cries out.

Taking a bath while they nap? Forget it. The moment that tap starts running luscious, hot water into my tub, someone's suddenly bothered and wakes up.

Simply looking at the clock and thinking "wow, this has been a good, long nap" wakes them up.

What is the deal?

On The Move

Lena is crawling. Fully navigating her way around, wherever she pleases. Today she crawled out of her room and down the hall.

There's an upside and a downside to this newly found mobility -
The upside: I don't have to try so hard to entertain her, she's able to explore the world around her on her own terms. She's always been energetic, squirmy and doesn't like to sit still, so this is wonderful. She can crawl around and do her own thing.
The downside: now I have to baby proof. Yesterday I found her grabbing a wire, chewing on some plastic garbage of some sort, and crawling towards the stairwell. Time to set up gates, locks, wire covers, outlet covers ugh I just don't even know where to start.

Carmy on the other hand is content to sit quietly and take books out of a basket, and put them back in. Take books out, put them back in. Out, in, while Lena does her spastic crawl all over the place, trying to find new things to get into. I don't know what I'm going to do once Carmy starts moving - Trouble! One will go in one direction, the other in another direction - I feel out of control already! I need baby leashes!

Positive and Negative equations

2(snotty, sneezing, coughing, whining, teething babies)
+ 1 sniffling, sore throated, exhausted mommy
- sleep
= this week so far

Talking about how tired I am depresses me further so it's time for a list of positives:

This too shall pass.
My mom and dad come home in one week.
My husband rubbed my back in his sleep while I whined miserably about being up for 3 hours in the middle of the night.
I have my own bedroom.
This morning instead of being woken up by crying I was awoken by Carmen shrieking, making Lena laugh.
Coffee.
Double stroller that enables me to leave the house on days like this when I dread trying to keep two babies who just want to be held happy.
Coffee.
I have someone coming to help me for the next three nights in a row. 
This too shall pass.

A tip for you: Don't tell me how tired you are today (unless you have = or >2 babies)

 I love them best when they laugh, I love them second best when they sleep.

Levels of frustration

This morning I was not ready to get up when I heard Lena start to cry at 6:45. Breakfast was a mess, as per usual but today I was getting frustrated with them (could be that I was up every 2 hours last night). Peaches on pajamas, rice cereal in their hair. This might have me laughing on another day, but today I was annoyed. I realized that I haven't been angry or frustrated with the girls in a long time. I remember getting mad when they wouldn't have a nap about 3 weeks ago, and before that I can't remember when the last time was. It used to be every day that I got frustrated! So I looked back into my unpublished blog postings and found this from a few months ago:

Putting babies down for naps, especially when there is two of them and one of me, can be intensely frustrating. As time passes, the likelihood of overtired babies melting down increases. If one falls asleep and the other doesn't, the clock starts ticking - can I get the second baby to sleep before the first baby wakes up? If not, their nap schedules will be off and I will have one up, one down for the rest of the day (exhausting - no down time for me).


I thought I was a patient person until I had babies. I was this serene, glowy pregnant woman all peaceful about bringing twins into the world. That woman had no idea that her patience would be so tested. Sometimes I have to reach SO far down into myself for patience that it's painful. I truly had no idea what the word Patience meant until I had babies. I have identified five levels of frustration when it comes to attempting to get babies to sleep.


Level 1 - I am in a good mood, smiling and singing softly as I try to get my babies down for a nap.
Level 2 - Smiles start to fade. I stop singing. Silence fills the room. Mood begins to decline.
Level 3 - I start stomping a little. The smooth movements as I rocked my babies begins to fade and I am more jolting. Annoyance. Flecks of anger. Doors are not yet slamming but I am certainly not happy with the way this attempt at getting babies to sleep is working out. The patting on their backs in an attempt to get out stubborn burps becomes quite swift and stern.
Level 4 - I begin lashing out, asking baby(ies) angrily what the f is wrong with them and why won't they sleep? 
Level 5 - I have left the babies in their cribs to their own devices and stormed out to the patio and slammed the door. Breathe fresh air and calm myself down.

Everyone out there with babies told me it would get better with time, and that they too experienced anger, frustration, annoyance. I had no idea these things would be such a huge part of motherhood. I'm so glad that they are not everyday occurrences anymore though! Days are filled more with joy and laughter than frustration. I don't even remember the last time I cried! Yay!

Ok they are up from their nap. Hope your weekend is filled with all those good emotions :D

Yesterday, Joy

Yesterday was the most joyous day I've had as a twin mom as of yet. It's as though something clicked in the girls' minds and they realized at the same time they had a very entertaining play mate. Carmy was on one side of the room making grunting noises, and Lena was on the other side of the room in the exersaucer. Suddenly, Lena looked up and saw Carmen grunting and just cracked up; she thought it was hilarious! Carmy realized Lena was laughing at her and grunted more, laughing between grunts with Lena. This went on for a while, everyone laughing at each other.

A few hours later, they started laughing at each other again. I teared up with joy watching them play and laugh together. Wow, amazing. These past few days have been such a delight, Lena's tooth came through, Carmy has started rolling over, Lena is on the verge of crawling and now they are playing with each other and laughing together. It's all worth it :)

Here's a link to my flickr page. I tried to capture some of the laughter yesterday.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/loranda

Love at first sight?

A few months ago I started writing a post entitled "What no one told me", and one of the big things no one told me is that I may not fall in love with my babies right away. The moment they were passed to me in the hospital was so overwhelming, the nurse put one baby on my chest, and then 3 minutes later, another. All I could think about was how to hold these two precious, tiny, fragile little creatures. I was in survival mode for months.

Of course I loved them fiercely, protectively, in a way that was primal. Without thought I did what I had to do for them to survive and grow. I have always done my best for them, but it wasn't until they were about five months old that I actually started falling in love with them. I had a lot of mommy-guilt for those first few months. Why didn't I feel the way those other moms who gushed over their baby felt? Would I ever fall in love with them?

I don't know if it is because I was a first time mom who had two babies to care for and was in such a highly stressful situation, or if it was just because it takes time to fall in love with two people at once, or something else entirely. I am sure there must be moms of single babies that feel this way too.

I guess I am just writing this in case anyone else out there feels this way, or felt this way, to say that it's okay. Maybe I'm just writing this to re-assure myself that the romantic moment when your baby is passed to you in the hospital sometimes isn't all you expected it to be. Sometimes it is. I know for some moms it was love at first sight. But if it isn't, that's okay. I'm wildly, madly, fully in love with Lena and Carmy now, and fall for them more and more with them every passing day.

One thing or another

Well the past few weeks have been busy to say the least. We have all been sick, moved house and now, I am pretty sure the girls are teething.

Nighttime sleep has completely regressed to months earlier when they only slept for a few hours at a time and woke up at night for at least two feedings. Not sure if it's the move, the new bedroom and environment, if it's teeth, or if they just aren't getting enough food during the day. Lena seems to be chomping on her hands all day long and fussing more than usual, and her gums look puffy. Carmy seems fairly normal during the day but she's waking more often at night. Before we moved they were SO good, they'd sleep solid from just after 6p.m to at least 1:30am, sometimes until 4am for their single night nursing. Now, they are waking between 10p.m and midnight, and again before morning (and sometimes again). Teeth? The move? Am I feeding them enough calories during the day? I'm still exclusively breastfeeding and I feed them about 1/4 of a banana in the morning and an ounce of vegetables each in the evening.

Reading with my babes in our new home

So moms, what to do? I'm committed to the rule of if I feed one, I feed the other, otherwise there is the potential to be up during the night twice as much. I also haven't done cry-it-out (yet) and am reluctant to start now because I don't know exactly what it is that is bothering them and I don't want to let them cry and deprive them of night nursing in case it is that they are truly hungry or are teething. I am just hoping they will go back to the one-night-feeding on their own... they've never been the kind of babies that wake up just for comfort at night. I really don't know what is going on with them! Help! Any advice moms?

Sick Day

I wish I could take a sick day. Drink copious amounts of neocitran and lay in bed watching old movies all day. Sleep at night without interruption. Alas, there is no calling in sick with this job.

Not only am I sick, but Carmen was sick all last week and now Lena is sick. I'm grateful that they took turns because if all three of us were fussy, tearful, and waking ourselves up coughing and sneezing I'd probably lose it. Besides a cough, Carmy is better now and has been a little angel while I dote over poor Lena Bean.

I knew this would happen eventually, and I'm thankful that this is the first time we've gotten sick, but I sure wish I could call in my mom or a nurse to take care of all of us! Oh well, every morning I pick up my bootstraps, grind up some coffee and start the day. No option but to press forward!

Babies, you stay here while mommy lays down.

When I have a little help from my friends

I've been feeling overwhelming amounts of gratitude towards my friends and family who have been helping me over the past six months, so I wanted to thank them in a posting.

When the babies were tiny, everyone was bringing me food and offering support. I stayed with my mom for days and nights on end; it was wonderful. After my parents left for Arizona for the winter, I started trying to do it on my own almost every day. Orlando would come home from work after the babies were in bed so I was on my own almost all the time. I quickly broke down. I reached out and asked a few people if they could come over after work on a weekly basis. Since then, I have had help every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings. I can't express my gratitude for this help, it has brought back my sanity and gives me something to look forward to. 

Bathtime with Abuela x

Now, another three months later, I continue to receive this weekly help. The days are long and when someone is coming after work to help me, I literally count down the hours until they arrive. Just having another set of hands while I'm trying to meet the babies needs and get everything done around the house during supper, bath and bedtime is all I need, and yet I am also encouraged to relax, am brought food and once the babies are sleeping I get company and good conversation.

I don't know how to thank my friends and family for their continued sacrifice of time and energy to help support my family. I really don't know what I would do without you. Your help has allowed me to relax more, has added joy to my days and has kept me nourished physically and emotionally. Thank you so much.

One Thing About Two...

Wow, my entries are really becoming quite inconsistent. We are much busier than usual over here and my mind has been elsewhere. I thought today I'd write a quick One Thing About Two post.

Lena loves Carmy's Chameleon too!

As the girls become more and more interested in their toys (and everything around them, and everything I'm holding), I am starting to forsee the sharing issues that are going to arise. Usually they both want the same toy, the hot items are a plastic container, teething keys, Carmy's Chameleon and a rattle (thankfully, we have two of the same rattle). I am starting to wonder if I will need two of their favourite toys. As soon as they see the aforementioned coveted item, both reach out for it and I don't know who to give it to! I am trying not to have to much "stuff" or toys, but I'm wondering how do other moms with two do it? I imagine it's a relatively similar issue for children of different ages. Do I really have to buy two of some toys?

6 Months Ago Today...

Well, I've never written out my "birth story" before, but today is Carmen & Lena's 6 month birthday and it has me thinking about August 17th, 2010. Warning: This post will probably be long.

I really believed my babies would be born long before my August 18th due date. The majority of twins are born between 34 and 37 weeks, and here I was on August 15th just three days away from 40 weeks. A month earlier I started looking for labour signs, and as the days ticked by with no signs, I just couldn't believe it.

I had enjoyed a relatively easy pregnancy, with no nausea (unheard of with multiples - and from what I've seen others go through I am SO glad I didn't have to suffer this one). I had almost no complications and I boasted a healthy, joyous "pregnant" glow. I felt peaceful, like a calm before the storm. Once I hit about 37 weeks though, my optimism lessened by the day. My body had taken on a life of its own. I was ginormous, and to my disbelief, continued to stretch bigger and bigger.  I had a severe case of PUPPS, an intensely itchy, red rash that covered almost my entire body - and was particularly aggressive on my belly, which looked flaming red with skin puffed up along the lines of my stretch marks... I'll spare you the photo I took of my belly at the end of it all. It was summer and the heat + rash + super pregnant combo started getting old fast. My doctor was trying to persuade me to induce with every visit, but I continued to insist I wanted labour to start naturally. The tipping point was when I started showing signs of pre-eclempsia and my kidneys and liver started to show abnormalities. I felt as though the life was being sucked out of my body - and in a way, it was.

August 2010

With pressure from my doctor to induce, and pressure from my doula to wait, I didn't know what to do. Finally I got a call from BC Women's Hospital on Monday morning, August 16th, from a very kind nurse named Nancy, who encouraged me to come in to the hospital. To Orlando's relief, I agreed (he hated seeing me in such pain and was anxious for the babies to arrive). We took one final picture of me before heading over to my brother's house to pick up Jennifer, my sister-in-law who was going to be supporting me during the birth.

After I ate some pizza (bad idea), we were on our way to the hospital. Jen drove and I was nervous the entire way. In the waiting room I tried to relax and get comfortable which was very difficult. Finally we were admitted to a room and as we walked (waddled) up to it, I realized they were putting me into the exact same room where Jennifer gave birth to my nephew just eight months earlier! My doctor and doula both arrived shortly after I was admitted and stood on either side of me as I lay on the hospital bed. My doctor insisted that it would be best for my health to induce. My doula brought a very awkward tension into the room. She did not care about his medical opinion and made it quite obvious she thought she knew better than him (for more on Dr. vs Doula, see previous posts). I was stuck in the middle trying to decide if I wanted Baby A's water broken. No one could make the decision for me. I looked at Jen and asked what she thought, and she said "We came here to have babies". That was exactly what I needed to hear. Within minutes, the first sac (Baby A's) was broken and I felt a gush of hot water pour onto the floor. My doctor and doula both left.

Orlando and I spent a lot of time laying in that room waiting for contractions to pick up. When we could, we walked around outside. It was a warm, beautiful late-summer day. This is when my memory starts to become hazy. From what I recall, the contractions started picking up on their own, but were not that intense. Later in the evening I was put on oxytocin to intensify the contractions - and it worked. My contractions were coming in waves of three at a time - a huge spike of pain, followed by another, lighter wave of pain and finally a long, groaning contraction. Apparently back-to-back contractions are common with multiple babies. I would try to get comfortable during contractions to get through them, until I realized it is impossible to get comfortable during a contraction and just gave in. In between contractions I tried to rest but it was also very difficult. Sometimes I think I would actually fall asleep, then SPIKE another contraction would shoot through me. I recall opening my hands and reaching up into the air like a religious zealot praising the lord. I repeated the word OPEN in my head over and over, trying to OPEN with the pain. Orlando, Jen and nurse after nurse (shifts changed over the course of the hours I laboured) helped me as much as they could. Some were wonderful. Some tried having serious conversations with me during contractions and I had to tell them to shut up. The monitors they had attached around my belly tightly with elastic were SO uncomfortable as they irritated my rash and put pressure on my way-too-enlarged belly. I begged them to take them off at every chance I could - but the nurses persisted that they were necessary. I remember being so out of it, and then suddenly completely alert. I bet it was strange to see me moaning through contractions, in my own world, and then suddenly say something direct to Orlando, Jen or one of the doctors. It was moments of, "Oh, here I am!". When I puked up my pizza, I remember seeing a pineapple and saying "Oh cute, a pineapple!".

At one point during the night, one of the baby's heartrates started dropping during contractions to an uncomfortably low level. An ultrasound machine was brought in and it was discovered that Baby B was footling breech (we had previously thought both babies were head-down). I had decided long before that if one of the babies was not head-down I was going to get an epidural. I could manage the pain of contractions - I was confident my body knew what to do when it came to child birth. But the doctors would physically manipulate the second baby by pushing on my stomach and reaching in to turn it and pull it out. I couldn't handle the thought of that kind of pain. So an epidural it was. The hardest thing about it was that I had to sit still to get it put in. I would feel a contraction coming on and ask the anesthesiologist to hold on while the contraction rushed over me, then again try to sit still. After the epidural was in I felt a lot of relief and was able to rest. Hours went by - I think I slept. I remember seeing Jen asleep in a chair across the room, and Orlando asleep on a little mattress beside my bed.

Finally I was fully dilated and ready to push. I looked at the clock. 2:50pm. I remember looking at that clock as I pushed - and I remember Jen telling me not to look at the clock. After about an hour, I noticed one of the doctors yawn and I asked him jokingly if he was getting tired. Throughout the two hours, Orlando stood to my right, Jen on my left and I pulled their arms so hard I am surprised they didn't break right off. My feet were up on their hips and I pushed so hard I'm surprised they didn't get knocked over. I pushed over and over, with every contraction, barely resting between. Even when the doctors just asked for one or two, I gave them two or three pushes. I pushed with all the strength I had in me. I hadn't eaten in over 24hrs and was starving, exhausted and aching. But I pushed Baby A out after two hours and just three minutes later Baby B was pulled out by her feet.

I had hardly held a newborn in my life. And here the nurses were handing me two. I had no idea how to hold them or what to do. And that was only the beginning.

Let Down

Before I had the girls I thought there was only one definition of the phrase "let down", as in, "Don't let me down". I quickly learned there was another meaning behind the term, it's when you're milk releases as the baby is breastfeeding and they are satiated with a gush of milk. It usually takes a little bit of sucking before they get the "let down".

In the beginning - August 2010

Breastfeeding is quite the journey. There are highs and there are lows, and overall it is so much work. I never debated whether I would breastfeed or not, and when people ask how long I plan on doing it for, I don't really have an answer. When the babies were born, the doctor said that most women don't make enough milk to feed two babies and that I'd have to supplement. I told him I didn't want to discuss it, and I'd cross that bridge if I came to it. Something in me told me I wouldn't have to, and luckily, I haven't had to.

Breastfeeding means I can't leave my babies for more than 2.5hrs at a time (unless I have expressed milk in a bottle, but I don't usually rely on that). It also means that I'm the only one that can feed them, day or night. Orlando wished so bad he could help me in the beginning when it seemed like the babies were hungry 24/7 and I couldn't get any rest. I had to be the one who fed them. Breastfeeding also means, and this still amazes me, that nutrients from my body have contributed 100% to the growth of my babies. They have more than doubled in size (Lena has almost tripled) and it's a result of the calories I feed them. So this means that I have to consume enough calories to nourish two babies and myself. Most of the time I am starving and feeling weak, even though I eat more than I ever have in my life. (Yes, that's an open invitation to bring me food! haha).

I've had problems with breastfeeding and had to call the La Leche League (a group of women who offer support) multiple times, and visit a lactation consultant who was very helpful. My problem though, was that I was producing too much milk and my let down was coming to quickly and I felt like I was drowning my babies in milk. They were sputtering, choking, suffering from gas and needed to be burped all the time. I admit this problem is better than the opposite of not having enough milk, but it led to me crying over my hungry babies as they struggled to nurse. The lactation consultant advised me to feed them in the "modified cradle pose", and that I stop tandem feeding. Once I stopped tandem, the girls were able to nurse easier, and after a few months my supply regulated and now everyone nurses just fine.

Lena went on several nursing strikes where she just wouldn't nurse at all and I had to give her expressed breastmilk from a bottle. It was surprising what an emotional struggle this was. I felt it was because we weren't bonded enough and that weighed on me; it was my first does of "mommy guilt". In reality, it was probably just a growth spurt or frustration with my letdown. To this day she prefers to eat first as she gets impatient waiting for the letdown (if Carmen eats first, she gets the strongest letdown and Lena has to work harder to get the second letdown).

I guess I'm writing about this for those of you who are pregnant. I just want to say that breastfeeding is hard work, and it is a surprisingly emotional journey, and everyone's journey is unique. Some are able to breastfeed only for a short while, some not at all, and some have problems and get through it. I feel grateful I've been able to breastfeed, and for so long. As many letdowns as there have been, we've been able to work through them and now, six months later, the babies are on their way to nutritional independence! Will post on feeding them solids soon :)