A few months ago I started writing a post entitled "What no one told me", and one of the big things no one told me is that I may not fall in love with my babies right away. The moment they were passed to me in the hospital was so overwhelming, the nurse put one baby on my chest, and then 3 minutes later, another. All I could think about was how to hold these two precious, tiny, fragile little creatures. I was in survival mode for months.
Of course I loved them fiercely, protectively, in a way that was primal. Without thought I did what I had to do for them to survive and grow. I have always done my best for them, but it wasn't until they were about five months old that I actually started falling in love with them. I had a lot of mommy-guilt for those first few months. Why didn't I feel the way those other moms who gushed over their baby felt? Would I ever fall in love with them?
I don't know if it is because I was a first time mom who had two babies to care for and was in such a highly stressful situation, or if it was just because it takes time to fall in love with two people at once, or something else entirely. I am sure there must be moms of single babies that feel this way too.
I guess I am just writing this in case anyone else out there feels this way, or felt this way, to say that it's okay. Maybe I'm just writing this to re-assure myself that the romantic moment when your baby is passed to you in the hospital sometimes isn't all you expected it to be. Sometimes it is. I know for some moms it was love at first sight. But if it isn't, that's okay. I'm wildly, madly, fully in love with Lena and Carmy now, and fall for them more and more with them every passing day.
5 comments:
this is the sweetest post loranda. i imagine you were in such a reality shock. i couldn't imagine doubling my family in a matter of minutes.
in a way i can relate. i always felt that madly, crazy, in love with kingston. but my whole pregnancy i never felt any different then "normal me". i just was getting bigger. so many women would gush over their baby belly and i always wondered why i didn't. why did i just feel big and round, and not full of love?
anyways, i'm happy you've found that crazy mama love for those beautiful girls of yours. and you'll continue to fall deeper and deeper as their personalities develop and they grow into strong individuals.
Great post Loranda. I think that many women underestimate the intensity of the first several months. They anticipate gushing love and nothing but. I don't remember when I first felt the intense love... I think it was gradual. What I do know is that it grew (and continues to grow) every day. I remember feeling resentment and frustration at first, and although I never, for a second, regretted my decision to have a baby, I did a lot of swearing and crying, which, even now, really surprises me to remember.
I would compare the first few months, to a hiking trip up the mountain. You know, the one where you are walking and walking, and it seems endless? and you are all exhausted and looking mostly at the ground, asking yourself - what am I doing here?
...and then you reach the top, and look around from up there... and it takes your breath away.
That is exactly what I felt when my b/g twins were born. Thank you for making me feel like i'm not the only one!!
Thank you SO much for your support and comments Alyson!
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