My sister-in-law was asking me the other day what I would say to my pregnant self, if there was anything I could say, to prepare for having twinfants. This would be my answer. If it sounds bleak, I don't apologize because it's my experience. Everyone's experience is different.
You may not think you have expectations about early motherhood, but you do. You imagine those first moments to be full of love, the kind you get at the beginning of a relationship, when you're so head-over-heels in love, nothing else matters. And lets just address the expectations you've had all your life about having a baby. One baby. One at a time. And now here's two. Be prepared to feel utterly overwhelmed. There will never be enough of you to meet the needs and demands of two babies simultaneously, around the clock for months. Even though you'll do the best you can every day, you'll never feel like it is enough and you will feel guilty about that. But the desperation will pass as the babies grow, and you'll feel more competent and capable as the months go by. Soon, you will experience those head-over-heels in love moments. You'll experience the highest highs, the most intense, protective love. Don't expect it to happen right away. Change your expectations from bliss and happiness, to trying to live with the lowest anxiety possible. Expect to survive.
I remember saying to my brother at one point during the first few months that I didn't feel like I was being the mother I wanted to be. He told me that lots of mothers would say that. I can't say I feel the same way now (that I'm not living up to my expectations), although I could always be doing more with my kids. That first year was a tough one. Not gonna lie.
8 comments:
Thanks Loranda,
I think Jen asked you this question on my behalf. I think the contrast between my expectations and reality contributed to some of the early difficulties I had with my first baby. As much as I love him, I honestly think that having had two Colton's would have done me in.
As much as it is blissful to go through pregnancy not knowing, I wish I had been better prepared. But I still don't want to be the one to 'prepare' a new expectant mother.
Thanks for the comment Lindsey. I wasn't sure how this one would be received.
In regards to "preparing" an expectant mother, I really don't think there's anything you can say or do. And like you, I don't like trying to give advice or try to prepare expectant mothers. Especially because I have witnessed that everyone's experience really is different. Some do have the love-at-first sight, baby is healthy, not fussy, no colic etc. and is sleeping through the night experience.
why didn't you hire a nanny or a caretaker to help you? why did you do it all alone (i.e. your husband was only home after the babies were in bed it sounds like)?
I thought about, and looked into hired help. It was very expensive. Specifically I would have liked overnight help. I realized though that no one could nurse for me, as I was solely breastfeeding for the first 5 months, and so even if I did hire someone, I would still have to be up every 2 hours at night nursing. My husband was home for the first month, and after that had to return to work, and at that point, I went to my moms house 4 days a week and she helped me.
would it have been easier if your husband was home for longer in the morning vs. at night? i.e. 10 - 6 vs. 8 - 4?
It would have been helpful if he could have been home to help me bathe and put the babies to bed between 5-6, but for the most part he wasn't able to.
I wish someone had 'prepared' me before I had my twins. Like, on day three post partum you're going to feel like you've lost your mind cause the hormones are going to take over and all you're going to do it cry. But my experience was so sunnier then yours...maybe even a little bleaker! I remember crying to my mom 'when are their parents going to come home??'. I felt like i was just the care taker, not the mother. I felt the responsibility of caring for these two soles but I didn't feel that bond, or that love for them for months. They were cute but they were killing me. The looks of horror I would get whenever I said something to the effect that it wasn't roses and lollipops....i wasn't expecting it to be, really. But I also wasn't at all prepared for how awful i'd feel and how hard it would be to bond with two little babies.
Alyson, I totally know what you mean. I can't honestly say I fell in love with them until around 6 months. That is not how I pictured it would be. And it sounds so horrible to say. And I wish it wasn't that way.
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