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So when she came over the next day, I asked her how she thought she could have been better prepared for what it's like to care for an infant. She took prenatal classes and learned about pregnancy, labour and delivery... but there's not really any "class" out there that prepares you for actually having an infant (not one that I'm aware of anyways), and if there were I imagine it should be something like army training where you live in barracks with colicky infants for a month. Even then, you wouldn't have the intense hormonal response that occurs from the moment you give birth and goes on for weeks, sometimes months. Nor would you experience the physiological response of spiked blood pressure, anxiety and broken heartedness you get when your own baby is crying.
I thought I'd been pretty honest with her about how hard a time I had, and she came over once a week in the evening starting when the babies were a few months old. But no one saw what I did every day and night. Only glimpses, and then they could leave, go home and sleep all night long. When I would say to her, "Last night was terrible. I finally was able to fall asleep around 9 and then was up from 11-1 and then again from 3-6 and then the babies woke up at 7" I'm sure she thought that sounded awful. But when you've experienced it, you truly get just how terrible it is. Because it happens over and over, day in and out, night in and out. She now knows what it means to count down hours, minutes, seconds. Looking at the clock the moment the baby cries, waking you up, and then trying to get her to go back to sleep and continuing to look at the clock as hours and hours go by in the middle of the night. Desperate for sleep. Desperate for you baby to stop crying. Frustration, exhaustion. "WHAT DID I DO TO MY LIFE?" I had it so good... why did I do this to myself?
No matter how honest I was about how difficult my first year was, I don't want to assume that other people will have a difficult time. And so, you can't really tell a person, it's going to be hard. REALLY HARD. Harder than you can even imagine. Because you don't know for sure. I've heard some babies are easy and sleep through the night from the moment they're born. This could be mythical, but I can't know for sure.
Point is, I have come to the conclusion that I just don't think it's possible to actually do anything to prepare for having a baby. The best advice I have for a woman nearing the end of her first pregnancy is to rest. Just relax. Lay down. Sleep. Listen to the silence in the air. Listen to no-one interrupting you. Be present. A shit storm's coming your way! But it does get better, and it keeps getting better. Remember that every day and you'll get through.
9 comments:
wow,takes me back. I was that girl at two weeks, crying to my upstairs neighbour that I didn't know it would be so hard. Where was the bliss, the cooing, the sense of rightness?! Thank goodness those days are done and it does get soooo much better.
Linds
I look at that photo, and all I see is her ginormous, milk-swollen boob, and that alone takes me back to how hard those first few... err.. months were. Not only has your world been turned upside-down with the sleep etc., but your body is going through insanity!
The thing about having kids is that you can't ever explain to anyone who doesn't have them a) how fucking hard it is, and b) how fucking amazing it is.
This is a fantastic article Loranda, you are a great writer! :) I've had this exact debate with myself if I should tell a first time mom who is impatiently awaiting the arrival of her first baby, just how much she should relax because life will soon become unrecognisabe. I had the same concern that maybe she will have the miracle baby and I'll feel like a horrible person for having painted anything so dreadful.
This debate never ends however..as they get older, as mine are both almost a decade old, I question if I should tell a first time mom that your child will eat McDonalds atleast once in their life, and you will eventually use your tv as a babysitter.. lol.. but everyone must go at their own pace and learn their own life lessons, because if someone had told how hard a baby truly was, I wouldn't believed it would happen to me, and if someone said I'd go to McDonalds and use my tv as a quick fix on a long day, I'd say yeah right..LOL
Life is funny that way...We pass on wisdom to those too new to listen, and we listen to wisdom long after we should have ;)
Dei.
Ohmigosh, I love your honesty!!! :)
I remember having the realization at one point when Jackson was about 3 months old that every mom had gone through what I was going through just then, and feeling amazed and humbled. I know every baby is different, but still, why hadn't I heard of new moms struggling before?? I had no idea. The monotony of those early days was hard, little treats like a sunny morning, a special baby smile, commiserating friends or maybe a hot chocolate and a cupcake were the kinds of things that got me through. It's a steep learning curve, and somehow we think that we ought to know what we're doing and when we don't it feels really crappy. It was really, really hard to be so tired and often quite anxious, but it got better. SO SO SO much better.
reading your blog makes me never want to have children.
lol! Anonymous. Yes, there are terrible low points, and there are also amazing highs and intensely deep love throughout. Life is richer.
Have you read my posts about the good parts? Here's a few:
http://ikidyounot-therearetwo.blogspot.com/2011/03/yesterday-joy.html
http://ikidyounot-therearetwo.blogspot.com/2012/01/little-things.html
http://ikidyounot-therearetwo.blogspot.com/2011/12/bright-nights.html
http://ikidyounot-therearetwo.blogspot.com/2011/09/my-life-is-you.html
With the advent of Facebook, there are too many young and not so young moms, posting endless pretty pictures of themselves, showing only the happy face of the pregnancy and motherhood. I think Loranda with her blog, started a movement of honesty that counteracts the fake “look at me how happy I am” attitudes.
Loranda’s blog makes future moms realize that having a baby is not a walk in the park, and it's not about mom's happiness or pretty pregnant belly at all, quite often it is the other way around. it's a huge sacrifice and it's ABOUT THEM, the new human beings.
Kudos to Loranda for standing up against the Facebook bullshit.
i suppose i should re-phrase that. reading your blog makes me want to prolong having children for as long as possible. i'm 30 this year and want to bask in the next few childless years. lol... love the brutal honestly of your blog, it's very refreshing.
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