During the weeks leading up to the girls first birthday, I couldn't help but think back over this past year's hardships.What a relief that the intense level of sleep-deprivation and physical demands of constant nursing are behind me.
I am friends with a few other twin moms on Facebook. Mostly, we've never met. We've been united through friends who say "I know another twin mom!" and connect us online. What I have noticed about being a twin mom during the first year, is that we are stuck between the place of feeling blessed, and feeling intensely otherwise. For me, there comes a guilt with being a twin mom that says it's not acceptable to acknowledge or pronounce feelings of anguish about having two at once, because we are supposed to be the lucky ones. Not only did we have the luck to have children, but we had two at once! We must be so lucky, and so blessed. I'm not denying that is the case. I'm just saying that the overall feeling during the first year, was that I did not feel lucky, or blessed. For us, the first year of twins was not easy, and was not fun.
Another twin mom told me that at first, we feel unluckier than everyone else to have twins. And then, a few years go by and we suddenly realize we are actually the lucky ones.
I'm done looking back at this past year. The girls' first birthday party was a huge celebration, especially for myself. We made it one year; we have healthy, happy babies and we did our best for them. Knowing that, I am ready to move on, to stop reflecting and to start looking forward.
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| One of the happiest days of my life. |
3 comments:
Lovely post Loranda. I really enjoy reading your blog and your thoughtful, insightful and candid writing through this crazy time of your life.
Your mention of looking back vs forward strikes a chord with me as I reflect on raising a toddler who was such a horrible sleeper and a baby who is usually great but some nights makes me have horrid flashbacks to that first year with Owen.
It is such a different experience to do this baby thing again after 2 years. Looking at Maksim I can look forward to him being Owen's age and talking and running around, and at the same time looking at Owen I can remember back to that first year when he was such an awful sleeper, the hours and hours of crying/rocking and I almost shudder in horror.
I choose to try to enjoy the moment and look forward to the joy to come :)
proud of you mamma!
Laura, when you say "have horrid flashbacks to that first year with Owen" I know exactly what you mean. A knot tightens in the pit of my stomach and my heart starts racing when I have a flashback.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful for having children in this posting. I love and adore Lena & Carmen and would not change my fate for anything. I was just trying to say in this post that for the most part, having two at once was insanely hard and in the thick of it, I often didn't feel lucky to have twins, specifically (not children in general). I hope that came across.
Thank you for your support Amanda! I hope things are getting easier in your house too now that Judah is past the one year mark. :)
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