Getting Emotional

I have been feeling thick with emotion lately. My body feels sore, heavy and tired. The body part is probably because I've been lugging around 19 & 20lb babies (I weighed them today!). The emotion bit might have to do with weaning, letting go of that phase of my babies' lives. It is also related to their first birthday approaching and thinking back to this time last year. Not only that, but my neighbour just had her baby girl on Saturday night and I went weapily through my ultra-tiny baby onesies to lend her a few.

Looking back to last August (through December) is really hard. Somehow I made it out alive, with happy, healthy little girls. But I am tired. As I say goodbye to their first year, I am so relieved it is all over. Sleepless months, frustration, exhaustion, and so many tears.

I remember so many nights of leaning over my babies as they tandem nursed, crying onto their faces in exhaustion. I remember the dark, long winter in our one-bedroom apartment. Walking in the rain with Lena in the baby carrier at 4am because she'd been crying for 2 hours and Orlando had to work in the morning. Pushing my angries out with the double stroller around my frozen neighbourhood at all hours of the day and night. Trying desperately to get the babies to sleep. Most of my memories are of the desperation I felt. Deep, dark and rich.

I know myself so much better. I know what I am capable of. I know my family better, cherish them more than I ever have before. I have so much more empathy for new moms (and old moms), especially mothers of multiples. I have experienced higher highs and lower lows than I ever knew possible. It's been an extraordinary year, and I am so ready to say goodbye to it.

Then

Now