Let Down

Before I had the girls I thought there was only one definition of the phrase "let down", as in, "Don't let me down". I quickly learned there was another meaning behind the term, it's when you're milk releases as the baby is breastfeeding and they are satiated with a gush of milk. It usually takes a little bit of sucking before they get the "let down".

In the beginning - August 2010

Breastfeeding is quite the journey. There are highs and there are lows, and overall it is so much work. I never debated whether I would breastfeed or not, and when people ask how long I plan on doing it for, I don't really have an answer. When the babies were born, the doctor said that most women don't make enough milk to feed two babies and that I'd have to supplement. I told him I didn't want to discuss it, and I'd cross that bridge if I came to it. Something in me told me I wouldn't have to, and luckily, I haven't had to.

Breastfeeding means I can't leave my babies for more than 2.5hrs at a time (unless I have expressed milk in a bottle, but I don't usually rely on that). It also means that I'm the only one that can feed them, day or night. Orlando wished so bad he could help me in the beginning when it seemed like the babies were hungry 24/7 and I couldn't get any rest. I had to be the one who fed them. Breastfeeding also means, and this still amazes me, that nutrients from my body have contributed 100% to the growth of my babies. They have more than doubled in size (Lena has almost tripled) and it's a result of the calories I feed them. So this means that I have to consume enough calories to nourish two babies and myself. Most of the time I am starving and feeling weak, even though I eat more than I ever have in my life. (Yes, that's an open invitation to bring me food! haha).

I've had problems with breastfeeding and had to call the La Leche League (a group of women who offer support) multiple times, and visit a lactation consultant who was very helpful. My problem though, was that I was producing too much milk and my let down was coming to quickly and I felt like I was drowning my babies in milk. They were sputtering, choking, suffering from gas and needed to be burped all the time. I admit this problem is better than the opposite of not having enough milk, but it led to me crying over my hungry babies as they struggled to nurse. The lactation consultant advised me to feed them in the "modified cradle pose", and that I stop tandem feeding. Once I stopped tandem, the girls were able to nurse easier, and after a few months my supply regulated and now everyone nurses just fine.

Lena went on several nursing strikes where she just wouldn't nurse at all and I had to give her expressed breastmilk from a bottle. It was surprising what an emotional struggle this was. I felt it was because we weren't bonded enough and that weighed on me; it was my first does of "mommy guilt". In reality, it was probably just a growth spurt or frustration with my letdown. To this day she prefers to eat first as she gets impatient waiting for the letdown (if Carmen eats first, she gets the strongest letdown and Lena has to work harder to get the second letdown).

I guess I'm writing about this for those of you who are pregnant. I just want to say that breastfeeding is hard work, and it is a surprisingly emotional journey, and everyone's journey is unique. Some are able to breastfeed only for a short while, some not at all, and some have problems and get through it. I feel grateful I've been able to breastfeed, and for so long. As many letdowns as there have been, we've been able to work through them and now, six months later, the babies are on their way to nutritional independence! Will post on feeding them solids soon :)