Update...

There's been so much going on in our house lately, but I haven't had a second to sit down and blog about it until now. Last week I ended up in ER with heart and chest pains, a very scary place to have pains. After a lot of hours in the hospital and tests all week, it seems I have acute pericarditis and that I'm recovering. It's when the outer sac of the heart becomes inflamed as a result of a previous viral infection. Lots of ibuprofen, rest (hah) and monitoring of my progress are what the doctor ordered.

When I first started feeling the heart/chest pains I realized how stressed out I was, and I was seriously hoping the heart pains and the stress weren't related. Luckily, they weren't, but before I knew that for sure, I thought a lot about why I was stressed out, and how I could manage it. My job really stresses me out. It doesn't end, I don't get to stop being a mom for a second; it's non-stop and it's full on.

My anxiety is inextricably linked to my children's sleep, and we are going through the crib to toddler bed transition. Trying to get toddlers to go to sleep by themselves in their own bed when they have the freedom to get up and walk around the room is incredibly frustrating and anxiety-inducing.*  I know they are tired, they need to sleep, and yet they won't! Right now, as I type this, my stress levels are rising as I hear Lena trying to open the door to her room, saying "help!" "help!" "Poopee poopee" (I just took her to the potty before nap-time). I've been trying to get her to go to sleep for the past hour. Carmen's been sleeping for the past 40mins. I'm afraid Lena's going to wake up Carmen, or worse, that Carmen will wake from her nap and Lena won't have gone to sleep yet. At that point, Lena will not sleep at all today because if I get Carmen up and out of the room and leave Lena in there by herself, Lena will flip out. Then I will have one cranky Lena all afternoon, with meltdowns at dinnertime that progress until bedtime.

Then I start thinking about the future, if Lena gets away with not napping today, will she think it's ok not to nap tomorrow? Is my future going to be full of these struggles, is she going to give up napping all together? I need them to nap. Naptime used to be a source of pleasure for me. For one hour during the day, I was able to shower, relax, eat something or lay on the sofa and turn off. This relax time has not only disappeared, but it's been replaced with major stress-inducing battles.

Breathe. How to manage this stress?

Reminding myself that this is not the end of the world. That the girls napped well the past few days. Today is a setback but I will not give up the fight that is nap-time. I will win and they will sleep. If not today, then tomorrow.

I need to step back. To accept that the world will not crumble if the children do not nap, even though it may feel that way. This is much easier said than done. It's really hard for me to see the big picture when I live in a world comprised of millions of minuscule and yet important pieces. Book doctors appointments, do taxes, make breakfast, make lunch, make dinner, clean up breakfast, clean up lunch, clean up dinner, buy groceries, do laundry, feed the cat, eat something, pay hydro bill, set-up direct deposit for mortgage payments, buy the babies bigger socks, and in between all that try to teach them something, show them something, and give them new experiences... chill out is the last thing on my list.

Living in that state of stress is not good for my body. I'm still figuring out how to manage. Maybe I won't figure it out, time will just pass and the babies will grow up.

*Although trying to get them to go to sleep in their toddler beds for nap-time is stressful, night-time has been going really well. So at least we've got that.